Paris: When it Sizzles

Dr. Pepper, meet Audrey Hepburn.  Are we all good and introduced?  Perfect, then we can commence.  For everyone’s information, THIS MOVIE IS A SATIRE OF THE FILM INDUSTRY.  I love satires.  Many times we have the same opinions.  Throughout this particular review, I will be quoting the film because they are brilliant.

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Hello Monte Carlo.  Wait, where are you going Monte Carlo?  Oh, look, it’s Paris.

“Never answer a question with a question.  Is that clear?”  “Did I?”

Richard Benson (William Holden) is over-the-top sarcastic and a douche-bag.  Gabrielle Simpson (Audrey Hepburn), however, goes with the flow, but seems a little too cool.  This film makes me wonder how many others were initially written in two days.  But it is refreshing that the latest technology in this film is only a typewriter.  This movie is basically one long conversation between Benson and Simpson, which I love.  I’m sad to say that I’m not a huge fan of Audrey’s clothes in this film.  They’re not ugly, just not my ideal style.  The sexual tension between the two main characters is beyond obvious.  On purpose of course, but it still makes me cringe a little.

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“Depravity can be terribly boring if you don’t smoke or drink, but a person does have to try to grow.”

“You really like it, don’t you? Life?”  “Every morning when I wake up and see that there’s a new day, I go absolutely ape.”

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“First good one I’ve had in four months. No, that’s not true. A few weeks ago I had an idea to give up drinking, but it didn’t photograph.”

TONY CURTIS HAS THE BEST CHARACTER IN THIS WHOLE MOVIE.  First of all, I love him anyway.  Second of all, I love his interpretation of a cliche southern-California narcissistic actor.  Pure gold.  I also love when Benson breaks down the screenwriting formulas BECAUSE IT IS SO TRUE.  Even today, movies follow the same formula.  Like, do the screenwriters think we don’t notice???  Also, the references to previous Audrey films are nice hidden treasures.  The screenplay is UTTERLY ridiculous until Benson and Simpson finally find their rhythm.  Even then, I’m not sure… No, if Audrey was ever in an actual movie like that I would  watch it.

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“Spies in trench coats?  I’m afraid I got carried away, Miss Simpson.  We’ll have to go back.”

THE BOY AND THE GIRL MEET.  An international police force?  For all countries or based out of one?  THESE ARE QUESTIONS I NEED ANSWERED.  The one thing I do appreciate in this film, THANK YOU, RICHARD BENSON, FOR NOT UNDERESTIMATING THE MINDS OF THE AUDIENCE.  Obviously with that meet-cute, the two highly paid heads will go to lunch together.  Unfortunately that is followed by horrible dialogue between Gaby and Rick.  Too much.  Like Kardashian too much.

That whole vampire thing.  WAY BEFORE IT’S TIME.  This movie clearly knew what was over the horizon and knew just how ridiculous it would become.  VAMPIRE LOVE STORIES CAN LEAVE NOW PLEASE.  The only one I need in my life is Dracula with Gary Oldman.

A SWITCH ON A SWITCH.  Yes, yes, we get it.  The proposed movie plot is ridiculous.  Moving on.  Also, there is NO WAY that Richard Benson’s personality could change from two days around the “right” girl.

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“I must say the mind reels.” … “Did you ever realize that Frankenstein and My Fair Lady are the same story?  One ends happily, the other doesn’t.”  THIS LINE IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN ALL OF US.  The other thing more important than all of us?  THE PARCHEESI GAME INNUENDO.

But in all honesty, I love this film.  It’s one of those things where it’s so bad, it’s actually good.  Plus Audrey could do no wrong in my eyes.  I love both endings.  The one for the screenplay and the actual movie ending, because they both seem more realistic than any other options.  And by endings, I mean about the shot and Benson calling Simpson out about the bird.

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I think one of my favorite parts is that William Holden’s character is almost a 180 from his last film with Audrey in Sabrina.  Also, Audrey was very underrated as a comedic actress.  Those are some of my favorite Audrey characters.  She is great at playing an over-the-top character.  And her hair is perfect.

Paris: When it Sizzles?  More like Paris: When it Sizzles Out.  Just kidding.

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~Tales

 

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2 Fast 2 Furious

Here it is folks, the next installment of my Fast and Furious series!  I can almost feel the excitement as you read this.  This is definitely not the best one in the franchise, but I love some aspects of it.  One very important one being that it introduces Ludacris and Tyrese into the franchise.  Their one-liners and dynamic are the best.

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Kudos to the director for having Tej (aka Ludacris) be the first character that the audience sees in the film, especially with his huge afro.  THEN to find out that he and Brian O’Connor (aka love of my life Paul Walker – RIP) already have a mutually respectful relationship?  Perfection.  For real though, it really helps set up the plot of the film.  Plus Suki is just a badass.  Then Eva Mendes just appears and what happens?  BRIAN GETS CAUGHT.  Then blackmailed into helping the feds.  Thankfully, Brian has the sense to demand a decent partner, which brings in Roman.  And this series would be nowhere without Roman and his bald head.

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Their mission?  Help the feds bring down a drug trafficker and money launderer.  Will they succeed?  Depends on Roman keeping his cool and Brian staying focused.  Switching coasts really helps the audience get into the mindset that the second installment has a completely different plot than the first.  That way, they know they can expect some amazing driving sequences, but different character development and relationships.  Plus the scenery is way more gorgeous that LA.

THIS FEDERAL AGENT, THOUGH.  HE IS LITERALLY A DOUCHE-BAG THAT IS TRYING TO GET THE GUYS KILLED.  Seriously, Agent Markham, get your ego in check and lose the assumptions.  Just because Brian and Roman made some questionable life choices doesn’t make them inherently bad people.  If you can’t tell, this guy is my least favorite character.  Which is saying something because Carter Verone is a real piece of work.

Also, where can I sign up for the Brian O’Connor School of Driving?  I would have no problem being teacher’s pet in that class.  I’m also 99% sure that Roman loves to take off his shirt, or at least expose his abs, every chance he gets.  But I can really relate to him on a spiritual level, because he’s always hungry.

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I think my favorite part to this movie is that it focuses on Brian regaining Roman’s trust.  He earned and broke the trust of the Torretto family in the first movie, so then to do a complete 180 degrees and have to earn someone’s trust back is a good progression.  It’s also the movie where Brian finally realizes that he needs to look out for himself and always have a backup plan.

OH GOD ANTHER TORTURE SCENE.  I can’t handle these.  ENOUGH IS ENOUGH, SOMEONE STOP THIS.  Especially when it is a disgusting rat.  Yuck.  I feel you, Eva Mendes – I would have the same horrified look on my face if I was in your position.  Honestly, this is the scene where Brian and Roman need to run for the hills.  Luckily for the audience they’re more daring and willing to risk more.

And then all hell breaks loose.  I still wonder just how hard it was to accomplish that car scramble.  Did it take a lot of takes or did everyone know exactly where they needed to go?  How much of it was computer generated?  These are the questions that won’t keep me up at night, but I still need the answers to.  Alas, I may never find out.

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PLOT TWIST.  Verone was testing Eva Mendes.  FYI I never bother to learn her character’s name.  I’m pretty sure they only say it out loud once.  No point.  To me, she’s just kind of there as eye candy.  But then Brian has to play the hero and save a damsel in distress.  NO. YOU BELONG WITH MIA.  OR ME.  Anyway…

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What a fun ride we just took together.  Keep your eyes peeled for my take on the third film- The Fast and the Furious 3: Tokyo Drift. aka the one that will hopefully make sense when the 7th film comes out.

~Tales

 

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The Aristocats

You had to know this was coming.  Any movie review blog worth it’s salt has at least ONE Disney movie review.  And let’s be honest, there will be plenty more.  This time around, I chose to review The Aristocats.  I am purposefully steering clear of my obsession with Disney princesses for this one, and focusing on the Disney Duchess and her family.  See what I did there? 😉  Yes, if it hasn’t been confirmed before now, I am a complete dork.  You’re welcome.  Anyway, I absolutely love The Aristocats (even thought I am NOT a cat person AT ALL), but you never realize just how controversial these Disney movie plots are until you watch them as an “adult”.  Let us begin.

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First of all, the soundtrack is marvelous.  MAURICE CHEVALIER SINGS THE TITLE SONG.  Does it get any better than that?  If you don’t know who Maurice Chevalier either get out of here or go look him up and enjoy.  FYI we’re still in the opening credits here.  Then, sadly, we must leave that beautiful song – BUT it is replaced by gorgeous artistry.  Like, I am legitimately obsessed with the way this movie was illustrated.  Second only to Sleeping Beauty.

DUCHESS TEACHES HER KITTENS MANNERS.  A cat can’t get classier than that.  Thanking a horse for riding on its back?  Love it.  This is followed closely by who is potentially my favorite character, GEORGE.  Edgar and George trying to go up the stairs is priceless.  How on earth Edgar can keep his cool and a smile on his face throughout this whole scene is beyond me.  But then I love when George and Adelaide dance.  Also, ADELAIDE WAS A FAMOUS PERFORMER WHO BECAME A CAT-LADY.  AND GEORGE’S GLASSES ARE PERFECT.  SLOW YOUR ROLL, EDGAR.  That money is not for you.  And none for Gretchen Weiners, bye!

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Can we just talk about the kittens for a second?  Marie has my favorite quotes of the entire movie, “Because I’m a lady that’s why”, “Ladies do not start fights, but they can finish them”.  But then she goes along to be the tattle-tale.  IS DISNEY TRYING TO SAY SOMETHING WHEN THEY HAVE THE BLACK CAT WANTING TO PRACTICE BITING AND CLAWING?  A little too far in my opinion.  And then the ginger also wants to be a dirty alley-cat… WAY TO RACIALLY STEREOTYPE.  Sidenote: how can Edgar make a cartoon cat milk drink look good?  Like I wish I was a cat so that I could have some.

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REALLY?  YOU KIDNAP FOUR CATS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT JUST BECAUSE YOUR EMPLOYER IS LEAVING HER MONEY TO THEM?  Does that make Edgar a “cat-burglar”?  First of all, even if Adelaide IS leaving her fortune to the cats, you still basically have control of the money.  It’s not like the cats can tell the police and keep you from spending it.  It should have been Edgar’s first red flag when he encountered the country dogs.  Fate was clearly trying to give him a chance to change his mind and stop his evil deed.  Also, the way the lighting looks in that scene, it better have been a full moon that night…

IT IS ONE OF THE SADDEST MOMENTS WHEN DUCHESS AND THE KITTENS ARE HUDDLED IN THE BASSINET STARING AT THE RAIN.  It’s kind of awkward, because they have puppy-dog eyes…  I’m also convinced that Adelaide is the ultimate cat-lay, because she just KNEW when Duchess and the kittens were gone.  ROQUEFORT IS THE LYNCHPIN OF THIS FILM.  If it wasn’t for that crazy little mouse, then the cats would have died many times over.  ENTER THOMAS O’MALLEY.  Every classy girl loves a bad boy, and I guess that goes for cats as well.  In case you are all ignorant little creatures, the voice of O’Malley also voiced Baloo from The Jungle Book and the voice of Roquefort also voiced Kaa from The Jungle Book and Winnie the Pooh.  Back to the movie… Way to go, O’Malley, hitting on Duchess with her kittens right there…  What a player.  I am loving the parallels of single men and their reactions to finding out that a beautiful woman is a single mother.  Luckily, O’Malley realizes what a jack-ass he was being and saves the day.  And Marie will grow up to be the biggest flirt.

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Okay, I lied.  THE GEESE ARE MY FAVORITE CHARACTERS.  Amelia and Abigail are everything I want to be in life.  But preferably with a green bonnet.  When they try to teach O’Malley how to swim, I die.  Although, they’re not as reserved as most of the English people I know.  Uncle Waldo needs to check himself before he wrecks himself.  I will now officially say that someone is “marinated” as opposed to saying that they’re “drunk”.  Way classier.

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CAN I LIVE AT THE ALLEY-CAT ABANDONED HOUSE???  Although I would not get much sleep, but a girl has to make some sacrifices.  LOVE the saxophone.  All those swingin’ cats, they have ALL the swag in this movie.  Especially Scat-Cat.  My only issue is that this group of cats is the ULTIMATE in racial stereotyping, via a children’s cartoon about cats.  “It isn’t Beethoven, mama, but it sure bounces” is definitely in my top five of favorite quotes of the movie.  Oh, I have one other issue: EVERYONE DOES NOT WANT TO BE A CAT.  I would much rather be a dolphin.  But then, I AM a water sign.  “If you want to turn me on…” WOAH DISNEY, way to get a little risque…

It happened, we have arrived at the final conflict, the epic battle of Edgar vs. Cat.  Who will win?  I’m assuming if you are reading this blog, then you have seen this movie before so I will tell you: DING DONG THE WICKED EDGAR IS GONE.  I’m not really sure what I meant that statement to sound like, but I only have one day off a week, so cut me some slack.  Anyway, this movie is a classic so go watch it again!

~Tales

 

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