Beauty and the Beast

In honor of the upcoming live-action reboot, (you know, the one where studio execs are agonizingly drawing out the announcements of the cast) this week’s feature is the  one, the only: *pause for dramatic effect* Beauty and the Beast!  This long introduction is brought to you by my sister not rewinding my videotape.  (And yes, this tape features previews of Aladdin, Sleeping Beauty, and Pinocchio.)

Just so you all are aware, I may or may not have the Beauty and the Beast soundtrack on my iPhone.  I’m talking the opening monologue and the *transformation* music.  After all, this is my second favorite Disney movie/fairy tale.

*Insert cliche comment about how the Beast was technically cursed at the age of ten and that enchantress meant business*  But seriously, though, you expect a ten year old prince with no parents (supposedly) to have love in his heart?  More like deep psychological issues stemming from neglect/abandonment.

Enter Belle.  I’m pretty sure the book that she gets from the bookstore is actually Henry’s storybook from ABC’s Once Upon a Time.  And if those townspeople have issues with a woman reading then they can just be stuck in their “poor provincial town” and do the rest of the world a favor and never converse with outsiders.  While others question that whole beastiality thing, my main question about this movie is how a family like Belle and her father ended up in said town.  And why doesn’t Belle’s father listen to his obviously smarter horse?

Beauty and the Beast GIF

Enter the enchanted castle.  TALKING OBJECTS?  My life’s dream!  Do you know how many times I’ve talked to inanimate objects and expected a response with no luck?  On another note, I think we can all agree that Chip is clearly the best character in this entire movie.  So obviously his casting in the new live-action film will be CRUCIAL.

Beauty and the Beast GIF

Can we just talk about how utterly despicable Gaston is for ASSUMING that Belle will say yes to his marriage proposal???  Gaston would totally be the person at a frat party who would utilize a date-rape drug if anyone rejected him.  Belle knows what she wants and deserves – a true role model to us all.  She just wants someone to understand!

Beauty and the Beast GIF

Something interesting I noticed on my 534th time watching this: the servants reveal themselves to Belle’s father when he enters the castle.  But they hide from Belle, and the Beast is the first inhabitant she meets.  I’m not sure if that’s supposed to be symbolic of something, but it sure caught my attention.

The lyrics to Gaston’s song is everything that is wrong with society.  That’s all I have to say about that.  But you would think that when Belle’s father comes running into the pub raving about something happening to her, Gaston might actually do something to “help”.  If only to use it as some sort of way to guilt Belle into marriage.  But nooooooo., instead he’s going to blackmail her.  Class. Act.

Beauty and the Beast GIF

Back to the castle.  FIRST OF ALL, who does the Beast think he is by forbidding Belle to eat unless they eat together?  Literally torture.  Second of all, how did Cogsworth think it would be a good idea to leave Lumiere on watch?  Cogsworth is the coworker we all love to hate.  But at least the unpleasantness results in us seeing the situation from the Beast’s point of view.  We get our first glimpse at his room, the rose and his self-loathing.

Then we are blessed to be their guest and view a visual masterpiece.  I truly appreciate the utter depression of using salt in the place of snow.  Also, if anyone knows where I can get a set of the dinnerware featured, please let me know!

Beauty and the Beast GIF

The only bad thing I can say about Belle?  STAY IN YOUR LANE, BITCH.  The west wing is off limits for a reason!  Use your common sense (which we KNOW you have) and don’t antagonize the person keeping you prisoner.  Curiosity literally almost killed the cat.  But…. All of the feels when the Beast saves Belle from the wolves and she helps him back to the castle!  And then they start fighting like an old, married couple, so adorable.

I don’t care what you look like: if you gift me with a library that looks like that, then chances of me loving you forever are pretty good.  But those table manners will drop you a solid 4 points.  Is he missing Emily Post in that library?  Somehow, though, the Beast turns it around and charms Belle right out onto the dance floor.

Beauty and the Beast GIF

As if this film needed more conflict… That darn magic mirror has to go and ruin everything.  OR DOES IT?

Beauty and the Beast GIF

~Tales

 

Serious question: Do you all want me to continue not necessarily spoiling the ending?  Or can I have your permission to start doing so?

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Fast & Furious 6

AGAIN with the layering of the previous film’s ending and the current one’s beginning! IT’S BABY TIME!  “Our old life is done.” My butt. Not if the producers have anything to say about it.

The. Recap. Sequence. Is. Everything. The. Song. Is. Perfection. They do a good job of setting this next job up, scenes and dialogue reminiscent of Fast Five. And when Hobbs goes to Dom for help… Well it really goes to show that you can do anything you want in the movie industry. Even bringing people back from the dead #LettyLives.

6.4

My favorite scene in this installment happens very early on. The second Dom reaches out for help, the team – I’m sorry, the family, drops whatever they’re doing. No questions asked. Shoot, Roman turns a private jet filled with women around. That’s true loyalty.

6.5

The first time we meet Owen Shaw, we get a taste of just how brilliant and precise he is. Brian wasn’t kidding when he said the team is up against something they haven’t faced before. I mean, they’re bringing in some high tech go karts. Or dragsters. Whatever. AND THOSE CHIPS. What is this? The year 2340?  Oh, and if these movies had Friends episode titles, this one would be The One Where Letty Shoots Dom. Or The One Where Tej is the King of Sass.

6.8

They really brought it for this one. The fight scene between Letty and army chick, as well as Han & Roman versus the ninja guy – very well done. But I must say, the clear winner is Letty when she uses the handcuffs to her advantage.

6.7

Then Brian starts to bring up the tears when he is willing to sacrifice his freedom to go see what, wait for it, BRAGA, knows about Letty and Shaw. DO YOU UNDERSTAND? BRAGA IS BACK. Shit just got real. Oh, and Stasiak is still a douche. But at least know he’s a helpful douche. Brian’s still got it.

6.9

Oh hey, now we’re back to basics. This time, with a quick cameo from Rita Ora. “RIDE OR DIE, REMEMBER?” I also love how the Europeans say “Ready, steady, go”, it does seem to make more sense in my opinion. Also, is it me, or do Letty and Dom drift in their race? THAT’S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE A THING YET. It’s the same way with the Harry Potter movies and spell introductions. The best part, though, is how you can see Letty fall in love with Dom again, solely because of the way he drives.

6.3

SIDENOTE: Vin Diesel gives me hope, because though he’s in serious shape, he still has a double chin.

Finally, Brian returns safely from America and its time to actually go up against Shaw full force. But…. He has a tank. Han saves Gisele’s life, AGAIN. And some seriously impossible stunts occur. I mean, legitimately dramatized. “WE NEED MORE ALPHABETS.” If that’s not enough…

6.1

… PLOT TWIST #SaveMia. Then we have two of the saddest moments in this franchise to date. “Tokyo it is.”
I hope you all are handling the emotions better than I do.  Now we must wait until April 3rd.  Vaya con dios.

~Tales

 

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Fast Five

Arguably my favorite of the franchise, it is time we delve into Fast Five.  ARE YOU AS EXCITED AS I AM?  If you can’t even appreciate how they layered the end of the fourth movie in the opening scene of the fifth movie, then please, show yourself the exit button.  This is the first of the franchise where it really feels like a sequel.  Yes, the first three were a part of the franchise, but the fourth and fifth have that continuity that I am talking about.

5.4

RIOOOOOOOO de Janeiro.  Thanks to this movie, the city tit onto my travel list.  They even brought back Vince!!!  Admittedly, not my favorite character, but at least he lost the chain mail tank.  And found his own woman so he could leave Brian’s alone.  Sorry, that was very anti-feminist of me – women are NOT property, but hey, I’m fangirling here.  And my fangirling reaches new heights when I discover that BRIAN AND MIA ARE PASSING THEIR GORGEOUS GENETICS ON TO THE NEXT GENERATION.  Blessed.  The scene of them on the train sitting = relationship goals.  At least, MY relationship goals.  Why?  Am I alone in this?

5.2

It only makes sense in this franchise that the first “job” they attempt goes horribly south.  Otherwise they’d have no problems evading American law enforcement, including new franchise addition Dwayne Johnson, aka Hobbs.  Then this Portugese dude had to go and say something that seems SUPER sketchy and raise a red flag with Dom.  Which causes Brian to risk his life, again, and jump onto another moving vehicle.  But he’s doing it for Mia *sheds lone tear*.  Two DEA agents get killed, Dom and Brian get blamed, and the Feds are on the warpath.  NOT TO MENTION, that the Rio drug cartel is also looking for the dynamic trio.   Yay for conflict!

5.8

First, Vince just has to bring up Letty?  Low. Blow.  Then Thor’s “motivated” wife is introduced into the franchise.  Bad news bears for our favorite team.  Literally, it’s because of her that Hobbs and co. even find Dom, Brian and Mia.  But they’re not the only ones hot on the trail – it’s like a love triangle, but for crime.  Behind the scenes-wise, I’m convinced that when filming this chase scene they could only shoot less than a minute at a time.  Those alleys are quite narrow and limiting.

The next scene further solidifies my theory that Mia is the lynch-pin, because her pregnancy and stubbornness about staying together is the reason that brings some old friends back into the mix.  “One last job” must be the mantra that keeps the franchise going.  As well as “We’re gonna need a team”, aka Han, Roman, Tej, Gisele, Leo & Santos.  And I must say, they come up with a brilliant plan for this “last job”, too bad those pesky Feds are bound to muck it up.

5.7

The next few scenes consist of laying the groundwork for said job, but they are mostly to develop or accentuate the relationships between the team.  I will say, that for being my favorite film in the franchise, it probably has the least amount of actual driving/racing.  They even set up a primo race scenario while “practicing” for the jobs and THEY SKIP OVER IT.  Rude.  Clearly I am here more for the story-lines and characters.  ESPECIALLY a new blooming romance, aka Han and Gisele.  They are utterly perfect for each other, and then Gisele has to go and hit Han with the “Don’t send a man to do a woman’s job” line.  At least she knows what she’s doing.

5.1

Even though they didn’t put as many racing sequences in this one, they did put them in at the right moments.  I am, of course, referring to the million dollar quarter mile.  Perfect moment to keep the tone of the film from getting too serious and showing that they are truly becoming a family, not just criminals working together for money.  Even though they are that too.  The witty banter and one-liners of this scene are probably why it’s in my top five for this particular movie, for example: “Oh, imma get this money. I’m HOOONGRY”.  Oh Roman…

5.3

Time for “one last job”, and did I, or did I not call it?  The Feds muck it up.  Then the cartel mucks it up.  Everything gets seriously mucked up.  For what they lack in racing scenes, they make up for in combat sequences.  Obviously a fight between Hobbs and Dom is what the audience wants to see, but there is literally no reason given for said fight.  Other than a battle of testosterone.  But because everything gets mucked up, it gives Hobbs and the team common ground and a reason to work together.  Clearly meant to set up the next film installment, but I digress.

There really is no question that Fast Five is my favorite of the franchise (so far).  It is the first one where the Fast Family is really explored and prominent.  It is also the first plot where they have something to fight to protect.  And really, who doesn’t love a movie of protection?  Taken anyone?  Only one more Fast movie to review before the new one is released.

5.5

~Tales

 

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