Beauty and the Beast

In honor of the upcoming live-action reboot, (you know, the one where studio execs are agonizingly drawing out the announcements of the cast) this week’s feature is the  one, the only: *pause for dramatic effect* Beauty and the Beast!  This long introduction is brought to you by my sister not rewinding my videotape.  (And yes, this tape features previews of Aladdin, Sleeping Beauty, and Pinocchio.)

Just so you all are aware, I may or may not have the Beauty and the Beast soundtrack on my iPhone.  I’m talking the opening monologue and the *transformation* music.  After all, this is my second favorite Disney movie/fairy tale.

*Insert cliche comment about how the Beast was technically cursed at the age of ten and that enchantress meant business*  But seriously, though, you expect a ten year old prince with no parents (supposedly) to have love in his heart?  More like deep psychological issues stemming from neglect/abandonment.

Enter Belle.  I’m pretty sure the book that she gets from the bookstore is actually Henry’s storybook from ABC’s Once Upon a Time.  And if those townspeople have issues with a woman reading then they can just be stuck in their “poor provincial town” and do the rest of the world a favor and never converse with outsiders.  While others question that whole beastiality thing, my main question about this movie is how a family like Belle and her father ended up in said town.  And why doesn’t Belle’s father listen to his obviously smarter horse?

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Enter the enchanted castle.  TALKING OBJECTS?  My life’s dream!  Do you know how many times I’ve talked to inanimate objects and expected a response with no luck?  On another note, I think we can all agree that Chip is clearly the best character in this entire movie.  So obviously his casting in the new live-action film will be CRUCIAL.

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Can we just talk about how utterly despicable Gaston is for ASSUMING that Belle will say yes to his marriage proposal???  Gaston would totally be the person at a frat party who would utilize a date-rape drug if anyone rejected him.  Belle knows what she wants and deserves – a true role model to us all.  She just wants someone to understand!

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Something interesting I noticed on my 534th time watching this: the servants reveal themselves to Belle’s father when he enters the castle.  But they hide from Belle, and the Beast is the first inhabitant she meets.  I’m not sure if that’s supposed to be symbolic of something, but it sure caught my attention.

The lyrics to Gaston’s song is everything that is wrong with society.  That’s all I have to say about that.  But you would think that when Belle’s father comes running into the pub raving about something happening to her, Gaston might actually do something to “help”.  If only to use it as some sort of way to guilt Belle into marriage.  But nooooooo., instead he’s going to blackmail her.  Class. Act.

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Back to the castle.  FIRST OF ALL, who does the Beast think he is by forbidding Belle to eat unless they eat together?  Literally torture.  Second of all, how did Cogsworth think it would be a good idea to leave Lumiere on watch?  Cogsworth is the coworker we all love to hate.  But at least the unpleasantness results in us seeing the situation from the Beast’s point of view.  We get our first glimpse at his room, the rose and his self-loathing.

Then we are blessed to be their guest and view a visual masterpiece.  I truly appreciate the utter depression of using salt in the place of snow.  Also, if anyone knows where I can get a set of the dinnerware featured, please let me know!

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The only bad thing I can say about Belle?  STAY IN YOUR LANE, BITCH.  The west wing is off limits for a reason!  Use your common sense (which we KNOW you have) and don’t antagonize the person keeping you prisoner.  Curiosity literally almost killed the cat.  But…. All of the feels when the Beast saves Belle from the wolves and she helps him back to the castle!  And then they start fighting like an old, married couple, so adorable.

I don’t care what you look like: if you gift me with a library that looks like that, then chances of me loving you forever are pretty good.  But those table manners will drop you a solid 4 points.  Is he missing Emily Post in that library?  Somehow, though, the Beast turns it around and charms Belle right out onto the dance floor.

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As if this film needed more conflict… That darn magic mirror has to go and ruin everything.  OR DOES IT?

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~Tales

 

Serious question: Do you all want me to continue not necessarily spoiling the ending?  Or can I have your permission to start doing so?

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The Aristocats

You had to know this was coming.  Any movie review blog worth it’s salt has at least ONE Disney movie review.  And let’s be honest, there will be plenty more.  This time around, I chose to review The Aristocats.  I am purposefully steering clear of my obsession with Disney princesses for this one, and focusing on the Disney Duchess and her family.  See what I did there? 😉  Yes, if it hasn’t been confirmed before now, I am a complete dork.  You’re welcome.  Anyway, I absolutely love The Aristocats (even thought I am NOT a cat person AT ALL), but you never realize just how controversial these Disney movie plots are until you watch them as an “adult”.  Let us begin.

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First of all, the soundtrack is marvelous.  MAURICE CHEVALIER SINGS THE TITLE SONG.  Does it get any better than that?  If you don’t know who Maurice Chevalier either get out of here or go look him up and enjoy.  FYI we’re still in the opening credits here.  Then, sadly, we must leave that beautiful song – BUT it is replaced by gorgeous artistry.  Like, I am legitimately obsessed with the way this movie was illustrated.  Second only to Sleeping Beauty.

DUCHESS TEACHES HER KITTENS MANNERS.  A cat can’t get classier than that.  Thanking a horse for riding on its back?  Love it.  This is followed closely by who is potentially my favorite character, GEORGE.  Edgar and George trying to go up the stairs is priceless.  How on earth Edgar can keep his cool and a smile on his face throughout this whole scene is beyond me.  But then I love when George and Adelaide dance.  Also, ADELAIDE WAS A FAMOUS PERFORMER WHO BECAME A CAT-LADY.  AND GEORGE’S GLASSES ARE PERFECT.  SLOW YOUR ROLL, EDGAR.  That money is not for you.  And none for Gretchen Weiners, bye!

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Can we just talk about the kittens for a second?  Marie has my favorite quotes of the entire movie, “Because I’m a lady that’s why”, “Ladies do not start fights, but they can finish them”.  But then she goes along to be the tattle-tale.  IS DISNEY TRYING TO SAY SOMETHING WHEN THEY HAVE THE BLACK CAT WANTING TO PRACTICE BITING AND CLAWING?  A little too far in my opinion.  And then the ginger also wants to be a dirty alley-cat… WAY TO RACIALLY STEREOTYPE.  Sidenote: how can Edgar make a cartoon cat milk drink look good?  Like I wish I was a cat so that I could have some.

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REALLY?  YOU KIDNAP FOUR CATS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT JUST BECAUSE YOUR EMPLOYER IS LEAVING HER MONEY TO THEM?  Does that make Edgar a “cat-burglar”?  First of all, even if Adelaide IS leaving her fortune to the cats, you still basically have control of the money.  It’s not like the cats can tell the police and keep you from spending it.  It should have been Edgar’s first red flag when he encountered the country dogs.  Fate was clearly trying to give him a chance to change his mind and stop his evil deed.  Also, the way the lighting looks in that scene, it better have been a full moon that night…

IT IS ONE OF THE SADDEST MOMENTS WHEN DUCHESS AND THE KITTENS ARE HUDDLED IN THE BASSINET STARING AT THE RAIN.  It’s kind of awkward, because they have puppy-dog eyes…  I’m also convinced that Adelaide is the ultimate cat-lay, because she just KNEW when Duchess and the kittens were gone.  ROQUEFORT IS THE LYNCHPIN OF THIS FILM.  If it wasn’t for that crazy little mouse, then the cats would have died many times over.  ENTER THOMAS O’MALLEY.  Every classy girl loves a bad boy, and I guess that goes for cats as well.  In case you are all ignorant little creatures, the voice of O’Malley also voiced Baloo from The Jungle Book and the voice of Roquefort also voiced Kaa from The Jungle Book and Winnie the Pooh.  Back to the movie… Way to go, O’Malley, hitting on Duchess with her kittens right there…  What a player.  I am loving the parallels of single men and their reactions to finding out that a beautiful woman is a single mother.  Luckily, O’Malley realizes what a jack-ass he was being and saves the day.  And Marie will grow up to be the biggest flirt.

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Okay, I lied.  THE GEESE ARE MY FAVORITE CHARACTERS.  Amelia and Abigail are everything I want to be in life.  But preferably with a green bonnet.  When they try to teach O’Malley how to swim, I die.  Although, they’re not as reserved as most of the English people I know.  Uncle Waldo needs to check himself before he wrecks himself.  I will now officially say that someone is “marinated” as opposed to saying that they’re “drunk”.  Way classier.

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CAN I LIVE AT THE ALLEY-CAT ABANDONED HOUSE???  Although I would not get much sleep, but a girl has to make some sacrifices.  LOVE the saxophone.  All those swingin’ cats, they have ALL the swag in this movie.  Especially Scat-Cat.  My only issue is that this group of cats is the ULTIMATE in racial stereotyping, via a children’s cartoon about cats.  “It isn’t Beethoven, mama, but it sure bounces” is definitely in my top five of favorite quotes of the movie.  Oh, I have one other issue: EVERYONE DOES NOT WANT TO BE A CAT.  I would much rather be a dolphin.  But then, I AM a water sign.  “If you want to turn me on…” WOAH DISNEY, way to get a little risque…

It happened, we have arrived at the final conflict, the epic battle of Edgar vs. Cat.  Who will win?  I’m assuming if you are reading this blog, then you have seen this movie before so I will tell you: DING DONG THE WICKED EDGAR IS GONE.  I’m not really sure what I meant that statement to sound like, but I only have one day off a week, so cut me some slack.  Anyway, this movie is a classic so go watch it again!

~Tales

 

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