In honor of the upcoming live-action reboot, (you know, the one where studio execs are agonizingly drawing out the announcements of the cast) this week’s feature is the one, the only: *pause for dramatic effect* Beauty and the Beast! This long introduction is brought to you by my sister not rewinding my videotape. (And yes, this tape features previews of Aladdin, Sleeping Beauty, and Pinocchio.)
Just so you all are aware, I may or may not have the Beauty and the Beast soundtrack on my iPhone. I’m talking the opening monologue and the *transformation* music. After all, this is my second favorite Disney movie/fairy tale.
*Insert cliche comment about how the Beast was technically cursed at the age of ten and that enchantress meant business* But seriously, though, you expect a ten year old prince with no parents (supposedly) to have love in his heart? More like deep psychological issues stemming from neglect/abandonment.
Enter Belle. I’m pretty sure the book that she gets from the bookstore is actually Henry’s storybook from ABC’s Once Upon a Time. And if those townspeople have issues with a woman reading then they can just be stuck in their “poor provincial town” and do the rest of the world a favor and never converse with outsiders. While others question that whole beastiality thing, my main question about this movie is how a family like Belle and her father ended up in said town. And why doesn’t Belle’s father listen to his obviously smarter horse?
Enter the enchanted castle. TALKING OBJECTS? My life’s dream! Do you know how many times I’ve talked to inanimate objects and expected a response with no luck? On another note, I think we can all agree that Chip is clearly the best character in this entire movie. So obviously his casting in the new live-action film will be CRUCIAL.
Can we just talk about how utterly despicable Gaston is for ASSUMING that Belle will say yes to his marriage proposal??? Gaston would totally be the person at a frat party who would utilize a date-rape drug if anyone rejected him. Belle knows what she wants and deserves – a true role model to us all. She just wants someone to understand!
Something interesting I noticed on my 534th time watching this: the servants reveal themselves to Belle’s father when he enters the castle. But they hide from Belle, and the Beast is the first inhabitant she meets. I’m not sure if that’s supposed to be symbolic of something, but it sure caught my attention.
The lyrics to Gaston’s song is everything that is wrong with society. That’s all I have to say about that. But you would think that when Belle’s father comes running into the pub raving about something happening to her, Gaston might actually do something to “help”. If only to use it as some sort of way to guilt Belle into marriage. But nooooooo., instead he’s going to blackmail her. Class. Act.
Back to the castle. FIRST OF ALL, who does the Beast think he is by forbidding Belle to eat unless they eat together? Literally torture. Second of all, how did Cogsworth think it would be a good idea to leave Lumiere on watch? Cogsworth is the coworker we all love to hate. But at least the unpleasantness results in us seeing the situation from the Beast’s point of view. We get our first glimpse at his room, the rose and his self-loathing.
Then we are blessed to be their guest and view a visual masterpiece. I truly appreciate the utter depression of using salt in the place of snow. Also, if anyone knows where I can get a set of the dinnerware featured, please let me know!
The only bad thing I can say about Belle? STAY IN YOUR LANE, BITCH. The west wing is off limits for a reason! Use your common sense (which we KNOW you have) and don’t antagonize the person keeping you prisoner. Curiosity literally almost killed the cat. But…. All of the feels when the Beast saves Belle from the wolves and she helps him back to the castle! And then they start fighting like an old, married couple, so adorable.
I don’t care what you look like: if you gift me with a library that looks like that, then chances of me loving you forever are pretty good. But those table manners will drop you a solid 4 points. Is he missing Emily Post in that library? Somehow, though, the Beast turns it around and charms Belle right out onto the dance floor.
As if this film needed more conflict… That darn magic mirror has to go and ruin everything. OR DOES IT?
Serious question: Do you all want me to continue not necessarily spoiling the ending? Or can I have your permission to start doing so?