Beauty and the Beast

In honor of the upcoming live-action reboot, (you know, the one where studio execs are agonizingly drawing out the announcements of the cast) this week’s feature is the  one, the only: *pause for dramatic effect* Beauty and the Beast!  This long introduction is brought to you by my sister not rewinding my videotape.  (And yes, this tape features previews of Aladdin, Sleeping Beauty, and Pinocchio.)

Just so you all are aware, I may or may not have the Beauty and the Beast soundtrack on my iPhone.  I’m talking the opening monologue and the *transformation* music.  After all, this is my second favorite Disney movie/fairy tale.

*Insert cliche comment about how the Beast was technically cursed at the age of ten and that enchantress meant business*  But seriously, though, you expect a ten year old prince with no parents (supposedly) to have love in his heart?  More like deep psychological issues stemming from neglect/abandonment.

Enter Belle.  I’m pretty sure the book that she gets from the bookstore is actually Henry’s storybook from ABC’s Once Upon a Time.  And if those townspeople have issues with a woman reading then they can just be stuck in their “poor provincial town” and do the rest of the world a favor and never converse with outsiders.  While others question that whole beastiality thing, my main question about this movie is how a family like Belle and her father ended up in said town.  And why doesn’t Belle’s father listen to his obviously smarter horse?

Beauty and the Beast GIF

Enter the enchanted castle.  TALKING OBJECTS?  My life’s dream!  Do you know how many times I’ve talked to inanimate objects and expected a response with no luck?  On another note, I think we can all agree that Chip is clearly the best character in this entire movie.  So obviously his casting in the new live-action film will be CRUCIAL.

Beauty and the Beast GIF

Can we just talk about how utterly despicable Gaston is for ASSUMING that Belle will say yes to his marriage proposal???  Gaston would totally be the person at a frat party who would utilize a date-rape drug if anyone rejected him.  Belle knows what she wants and deserves – a true role model to us all.  She just wants someone to understand!

Beauty and the Beast GIF

Something interesting I noticed on my 534th time watching this: the servants reveal themselves to Belle’s father when he enters the castle.  But they hide from Belle, and the Beast is the first inhabitant she meets.  I’m not sure if that’s supposed to be symbolic of something, but it sure caught my attention.

The lyrics to Gaston’s song is everything that is wrong with society.  That’s all I have to say about that.  But you would think that when Belle’s father comes running into the pub raving about something happening to her, Gaston might actually do something to “help”.  If only to use it as some sort of way to guilt Belle into marriage.  But nooooooo., instead he’s going to blackmail her.  Class. Act.

Beauty and the Beast GIF

Back to the castle.  FIRST OF ALL, who does the Beast think he is by forbidding Belle to eat unless they eat together?  Literally torture.  Second of all, how did Cogsworth think it would be a good idea to leave Lumiere on watch?  Cogsworth is the coworker we all love to hate.  But at least the unpleasantness results in us seeing the situation from the Beast’s point of view.  We get our first glimpse at his room, the rose and his self-loathing.

Then we are blessed to be their guest and view a visual masterpiece.  I truly appreciate the utter depression of using salt in the place of snow.  Also, if anyone knows where I can get a set of the dinnerware featured, please let me know!

Beauty and the Beast GIF

The only bad thing I can say about Belle?  STAY IN YOUR LANE, BITCH.  The west wing is off limits for a reason!  Use your common sense (which we KNOW you have) and don’t antagonize the person keeping you prisoner.  Curiosity literally almost killed the cat.  But…. All of the feels when the Beast saves Belle from the wolves and she helps him back to the castle!  And then they start fighting like an old, married couple, so adorable.

I don’t care what you look like: if you gift me with a library that looks like that, then chances of me loving you forever are pretty good.  But those table manners will drop you a solid 4 points.  Is he missing Emily Post in that library?  Somehow, though, the Beast turns it around and charms Belle right out onto the dance floor.

Beauty and the Beast GIF

As if this film needed more conflict… That darn magic mirror has to go and ruin everything.  OR DOES IT?

Beauty and the Beast GIF

~Tales

 

Serious question: Do you all want me to continue not necessarily spoiling the ending?  Or can I have your permission to start doing so?

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Pitch Perfect

You HAD to know that this one was coming…  I mean, Pitch Perfect is only one of the greatest comedies of the 21st century.  Which is a legitimate thing to say, because we are 15 years in and going strong.  Obviously, this movie is great, but I don’t want to have a 5,000 word blog post, so I will try to contain myself while writing.  ANYWHO… Are you ready to get pitch-slapped with some aca-awesomeness?

They did not miss a beat, having the Universal Studios theme music done in a-capella.  The beginning is marvelous, two minutes in and we already have 10ish solid one-liners AND a mic-drop.  THAT’S when you know this movie means business.  Oh, I’m sorry, they actually prove that in the Barden Bella’s first number.

*FOUR MONTHS LATER*

We cut to “present day” at Barden University.  Where we hear a “sick beat” (take THAT T-Swift).  This movie is basically everything a real-life college student wishes college was like (eg. dorm room size, beautiful people, Skylar Astin, etc.).  I am also convinced that this movie does not contain a scene without a great and immensely quotable line.  Side note: if THAT is what being a man is all about at Barden University, then I fear for humanity.

Oooooh, Aubrey, a type-A pain in my ass.  AND FOR THE MAIN EVENT…. FAT AMY!  Literally, Pitch Perfect would be nothing without her.  She’s the best singer in Tasmania with teeth.  I am also pretty good at mermaid dancing, Fat Amy, we should be best friends.

“Aca-scuse me?  Singing and dancing to a Mariah Carey chart-topper is not ‘lame’.” – One of my favorite lines, unfortunately I haven’t had a chance to use it in my daily life yet.  If you have any suggestions, please let me know!  But for real though, who goes around a college activities fair and calls a group lame to their face?  ESPECIALLY when you are only a freshman, that in fact, does not know everything?  Sooo disrespectful.

Aubrey

On a happier/sadder note, Benji is the most adorable character and a close second to Fat Amy.  I wouldn’t mind a little back story on Luke, the station manager.  Like, why is he in America?  Is it to be a dick, because he’s doing a great job at that.  In other news, I KID YOU NOT, Jesse is everything I’ve ever wanted in a boyfriend: hilarious, LOVE movies (especially 80s classics), talented, and a heart of gold.

Jesse - Pitch Perfect

Then we have it, the shower scene.  First of all, Beca is SUCH a hipster – “You know David Guetta?” and also VERY judgmental.  Second of all, I wish I had Chloe’s and Amy’s self-confidence.  But Brittany Snow’s satisfied smile is sooo creepy.  Audition scene:  I am Justin, you are Justin, we are all Justin.  It’s just the sad, sad world we live in. I love the insult towards “Glee” in McLovin’s monologue.   HELLO Esther Dean!  *sings Drop It Low*  That shirt does wonders for Jesse’s biceps, he should only ever wear that.

Benji - Pitch Perfect

Say it with me: “I, *sings name*, promise to fulfill the duties and responsibilities of a Bella woman.  And I solemnly promise to never have sexual relations with a Treblemaker, or may my vocal chords be ripped out by wolves….” *coughunlessitsJessecough*  AND THEN WE HAVE THE SADDEST SCENE IN THE MOVIE WHEN BENJI IS SINGING TO HIMSELF IN HIS ROOM.  *heart breaks into a million pieces*

RIFF-OFF:  Ladies of the 80’s?  I think the movie execs went through my iPod before filming this scene.  Jesse is literally singing to me when he breaks out into Foreigner’s “Feels Like the First Time”.  “No Diggity” – bringing people together since the 90’s.  Seriously, Pitch Perfect brought this Blackstreet tune back to life.  Perfection.

Barden Bellas

One step forward, three steps back:  Beca finally invites Jesse over to hang out in her dorm room and she asks the really important questions like, “What does Judd Nelson eat for breakfast?”  BUT, everything falls apart when Beca is a bitch.  Again.  Fat Amy saves the competition with her soul-singing, but then goes on to get a little too into an aca-brawl.  Benji is a class act, still cheering on his roommate and the Treblemakers, despite being denied by them.  TURK.  That’s all.  SERIOUSLY THOUGH, Jesse straight-up RUNS to help Beca and she is just the biggest bitch in the movieverse.

“Sisqo live is the best performer” – Bumper.  This entire sequence at the gas station and on both buses is probably my favorite.  Mainly because Fat Amy is gonna finish Bumper like a cheesecake.  Also because no matter what anyone says, I love Miley.  I will say, Fat Amy and I are a lot alike.  She and I both sing to avoid answering uncomfortable questions.

Fat Amy

The depressing spring break scene always makes me want to watch The Breakfast Club.  A true classic.  I love Chloe’s outfit when the Barden Bellas swing back into action.  Jesse has every right to shut the door in Beca’s face.  Aaaand then Aubrey and Chloe snap.  It is so disgusting.  But the confession circle is gold and the “Just the Way You Are/Just a Dream” mash-up is what dreams are made of.

Fat Amy - Enough

Confession time:  I wish I could win trophies by making music with my mouth.  On that note (A-CAPELLA PUN), it’s the “Final Countdown“.  Once again, Benji is breaking hearts, but this time also taking names.  And then… words can’t describe the emotions that the Bella’s final number inspire.

Jesse and Benji

Aca-mazing.

~Tales

 

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