Beauty and the Beast

In honor of the upcoming live-action reboot, (you know, the one where studio execs are agonizingly drawing out the announcements of the cast) this week’s feature is the  one, the only: *pause for dramatic effect* Beauty and the Beast!  This long introduction is brought to you by my sister not rewinding my videotape.  (And yes, this tape features previews of Aladdin, Sleeping Beauty, and Pinocchio.)

Just so you all are aware, I may or may not have the Beauty and the Beast soundtrack on my iPhone.  I’m talking the opening monologue and the *transformation* music.  After all, this is my second favorite Disney movie/fairy tale.

*Insert cliche comment about how the Beast was technically cursed at the age of ten and that enchantress meant business*  But seriously, though, you expect a ten year old prince with no parents (supposedly) to have love in his heart?  More like deep psychological issues stemming from neglect/abandonment.

Enter Belle.  I’m pretty sure the book that she gets from the bookstore is actually Henry’s storybook from ABC’s Once Upon a Time.  And if those townspeople have issues with a woman reading then they can just be stuck in their “poor provincial town” and do the rest of the world a favor and never converse with outsiders.  While others question that whole beastiality thing, my main question about this movie is how a family like Belle and her father ended up in said town.  And why doesn’t Belle’s father listen to his obviously smarter horse?

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Enter the enchanted castle.  TALKING OBJECTS?  My life’s dream!  Do you know how many times I’ve talked to inanimate objects and expected a response with no luck?  On another note, I think we can all agree that Chip is clearly the best character in this entire movie.  So obviously his casting in the new live-action film will be CRUCIAL.

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Can we just talk about how utterly despicable Gaston is for ASSUMING that Belle will say yes to his marriage proposal???  Gaston would totally be the person at a frat party who would utilize a date-rape drug if anyone rejected him.  Belle knows what she wants and deserves – a true role model to us all.  She just wants someone to understand!

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Something interesting I noticed on my 534th time watching this: the servants reveal themselves to Belle’s father when he enters the castle.  But they hide from Belle, and the Beast is the first inhabitant she meets.  I’m not sure if that’s supposed to be symbolic of something, but it sure caught my attention.

The lyrics to Gaston’s song is everything that is wrong with society.  That’s all I have to say about that.  But you would think that when Belle’s father comes running into the pub raving about something happening to her, Gaston might actually do something to “help”.  If only to use it as some sort of way to guilt Belle into marriage.  But nooooooo., instead he’s going to blackmail her.  Class. Act.

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Back to the castle.  FIRST OF ALL, who does the Beast think he is by forbidding Belle to eat unless they eat together?  Literally torture.  Second of all, how did Cogsworth think it would be a good idea to leave Lumiere on watch?  Cogsworth is the coworker we all love to hate.  But at least the unpleasantness results in us seeing the situation from the Beast’s point of view.  We get our first glimpse at his room, the rose and his self-loathing.

Then we are blessed to be their guest and view a visual masterpiece.  I truly appreciate the utter depression of using salt in the place of snow.  Also, if anyone knows where I can get a set of the dinnerware featured, please let me know!

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The only bad thing I can say about Belle?  STAY IN YOUR LANE, BITCH.  The west wing is off limits for a reason!  Use your common sense (which we KNOW you have) and don’t antagonize the person keeping you prisoner.  Curiosity literally almost killed the cat.  But…. All of the feels when the Beast saves Belle from the wolves and she helps him back to the castle!  And then they start fighting like an old, married couple, so adorable.

I don’t care what you look like: if you gift me with a library that looks like that, then chances of me loving you forever are pretty good.  But those table manners will drop you a solid 4 points.  Is he missing Emily Post in that library?  Somehow, though, the Beast turns it around and charms Belle right out onto the dance floor.

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As if this film needed more conflict… That darn magic mirror has to go and ruin everything.  OR DOES IT?

Beauty and the Beast GIF

~Tales

 

Serious question: Do you all want me to continue not necessarily spoiling the ending?  Or can I have your permission to start doing so?

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The Fast and the Furious

While watching The Fast and the Furious and drinking tea together may sound a little odd, it is actually a pretty decent combination.  Obviously this movie really calls for pizza and beer, but it’s been a long week and I need tea and Brian O’Connor to soothe my soul.  Let me preface by saying this franchise is my second favorite movie franchise in the entire history of film.  I will space out the reviews (so not consistently for the next six weeks), it would be too simple to do them back to back to back.

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First of all, HOW DANGEROUS IS IT TO ATTACK A SEMI-TRUCK ON THE HIGHWAY?  Is that very real risk to your lives worth the money you get for the cargo???  Way to start the movie off with a bang.  There is no mistaking that this movie is centered around cars.  Enter Brian Spilner (aka Brian O’Connor).  HELLO GORGEOUS.  But you really need to handle that vehicle a little better.  Keep practicing, baby.  CONFLICT.  Mia Toretto.  Vince.  Brian.  Drama.  First of all, Vince, Mia is not your property so get that through your thick skull.  But their fight gives us the first glimpse into what Dominic Toretto is prepared to do for his family.  Good thing he can be calmed down easily, because otherwise this movie would not have gone any further.

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POP THE HOOD.  The first race.  I’m really feeling Brian’s car and every time I see Ja Rule’s character I can’t help but laugh.  I’m pretty sure the purpose of this scene is to show how Dom owns street racing and how Letty owns Dom.  A little advice for Brian, don’t ask for respect.  Demand it, prove it.  And then don’t get cocky about “almost” winning.  Just don’t.  The look on his face after he realizes he lost says “Dammit, did I just screw everything up?”.  But he saves it all by rescuing Dom from the cops.

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“Two years in Lompoc, I’ll die before I go back.”  MAJOR FORESHADOWING.  Then when Dom brings Brian back to his house for a beer, we are all Mia – scrambling to get ready because a beautiful guy is about to walk into your home.  At least, I would.  Then she breaks up a potential tiff between Brian and Vince.  WAY TO TAKE CONTROL OF THE SITUATION.  She really knows how to handle a man.

PLOT TWIST.  Undercover.  Also, iced cappuccinos?  Especially in those glass mugs?  Could you be any more pretentious?

So they have three family businesses?  The sandwich place, racing, AND a garage?  I absolutely LOVE the character of Jesse.  A genius with ADHD makes for good drama.  Then we can see something that really ages this movie – FLOPPY DISKS.  Who here remembers those?  Love it.  Then Vince has to ruin my nostalgia moment by being a little bitch about Brian eating family dinner with them.  No sweat off Dom’s back though, he knows Vince will be back.  Besides, he’s too busy watching out for who needs to say grace.  Priorities.  Also, Jesse’s prayer is perfect.  Way to come back and pretend you still have your dignity, Vince.

I’m pretty sure Mia is the lynchpin of this franchise.  Yes, Dom and Brian have the most dynamic relationship, but Mia is the glue and the one person all of the main characters would go to the ends of the earth for.  How would they say no to her?  Her and Letty are all about female empowerment.  They should really be characters that get more attention, if only for the younger generation of girls.  I’m not saying they’re perfect, but they don’t ever play the victim – they take control and don’t let stereotypes bring them down.

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How cliche is it to have a bar called El Gato Negro in this movie?  Also, BRIAN’S COVER IS ALMOST BLOWN.  Thanks a lot, Vince.  I blame pretty much everything on Vince, because he is one giant baby.  Despite him being a perceptive baby.  My least favorite scene directly follows, the one where Johnny Tran and his posse torture that guy.  Even after watching this movie countless times, I still have to look away.

Then we have some character development and relationship building – yada yada yada.  Just kidding.  I love these parts of the movies.  THAT CAR DOM BUILT WITH HIS FATHER.  So much symbolism, I can barely process it.  The car that never dies, it’s basically Kenny from South Park.  Also, HOW DARE THE COPS THINK DOM IS AN OUT OF CONTROL CRIMINAL.  He obviously shows remorse, and Brian’s not wrong when he says that Dom is controlled.  Losing a father would be enough to cause anyone to lose control once.

RACE WARS.  Time for shit to hit the fan.  Now we see that Brian really cares about everyone, trying to talk sense into Jesse before he bets his pink slip.  DON’T DO IT JESSE.  Nuts.  Also, don’t ever call Dom a narc.  Not safe for your health.  Neither is walking up to Letty all intimidating – girl will knock you out.  Then we have the cliche “I was undercover, but my feelings were real”.  That brings Paul Walker’s count of movie with that component to two.  Speaking of, maybe I’ll review She’s All That soon.

SURPRISE, there are four family businesses.  Bad things are about to happen.  Oh, and they are just outside Coachella?  Why do I not see any girls with high-waisted shorts and flower crowns?  A bit early for that, I suppose.  Well, I may not be Vince’s number one fan, but it pains me to see him in danger like this.  Okay, maybe Jesse was the lynchpin of this particular movie in the franchise, because without him, everyone seems to be screwed.  I mean, Leon just disappears never to be mentioned again.  Whoops, spoiler alert.  But not really because his character is pretty inconsequential.  Oh my gosh, THERE IS SUCH FORESHADOWING WHEN LETTY CRASHES AND CRAWLS OUT OF HER CAR.  I will say no more about that, though.  For now.

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Dun-dun-dun.  Dom finds out that Brian is actually Brian O’Connor.  He just saved Vince’s life, but at a price of the rest of Dom’s family.  THEN BRIAN DECIDES TO GO NATIVE AND STEP TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE LAW.  What a depressing way to end a film, but a great way to set up a sequel.  Man I love this franchise.  Don’t worry, I will continue with all of the others that have been released so far, but you might have to *pause for dramatic affect* wait.

 

~Tales

 

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