Beauty and the Beast

In honor of the upcoming live-action reboot, (you know, the one where studio execs are agonizingly drawing out the announcements of the cast) this week’s feature is the  one, the only: *pause for dramatic effect* Beauty and the Beast!  This long introduction is brought to you by my sister not rewinding my videotape.  (And yes, this tape features previews of Aladdin, Sleeping Beauty, and Pinocchio.)

Just so you all are aware, I may or may not have the Beauty and the Beast soundtrack on my iPhone.  I’m talking the opening monologue and the *transformation* music.  After all, this is my second favorite Disney movie/fairy tale.

*Insert cliche comment about how the Beast was technically cursed at the age of ten and that enchantress meant business*  But seriously, though, you expect a ten year old prince with no parents (supposedly) to have love in his heart?  More like deep psychological issues stemming from neglect/abandonment.

Enter Belle.  I’m pretty sure the book that she gets from the bookstore is actually Henry’s storybook from ABC’s Once Upon a Time.  And if those townspeople have issues with a woman reading then they can just be stuck in their “poor provincial town” and do the rest of the world a favor and never converse with outsiders.  While others question that whole beastiality thing, my main question about this movie is how a family like Belle and her father ended up in said town.  And why doesn’t Belle’s father listen to his obviously smarter horse?

Beauty and the Beast GIF

Enter the enchanted castle.  TALKING OBJECTS?  My life’s dream!  Do you know how many times I’ve talked to inanimate objects and expected a response with no luck?  On another note, I think we can all agree that Chip is clearly the best character in this entire movie.  So obviously his casting in the new live-action film will be CRUCIAL.

Beauty and the Beast GIF

Can we just talk about how utterly despicable Gaston is for ASSUMING that Belle will say yes to his marriage proposal???  Gaston would totally be the person at a frat party who would utilize a date-rape drug if anyone rejected him.  Belle knows what she wants and deserves – a true role model to us all.  She just wants someone to understand!

Beauty and the Beast GIF

Something interesting I noticed on my 534th time watching this: the servants reveal themselves to Belle’s father when he enters the castle.  But they hide from Belle, and the Beast is the first inhabitant she meets.  I’m not sure if that’s supposed to be symbolic of something, but it sure caught my attention.

The lyrics to Gaston’s song is everything that is wrong with society.  That’s all I have to say about that.  But you would think that when Belle’s father comes running into the pub raving about something happening to her, Gaston might actually do something to “help”.  If only to use it as some sort of way to guilt Belle into marriage.  But nooooooo., instead he’s going to blackmail her.  Class. Act.

Beauty and the Beast GIF

Back to the castle.  FIRST OF ALL, who does the Beast think he is by forbidding Belle to eat unless they eat together?  Literally torture.  Second of all, how did Cogsworth think it would be a good idea to leave Lumiere on watch?  Cogsworth is the coworker we all love to hate.  But at least the unpleasantness results in us seeing the situation from the Beast’s point of view.  We get our first glimpse at his room, the rose and his self-loathing.

Then we are blessed to be their guest and view a visual masterpiece.  I truly appreciate the utter depression of using salt in the place of snow.  Also, if anyone knows where I can get a set of the dinnerware featured, please let me know!

Beauty and the Beast GIF

The only bad thing I can say about Belle?  STAY IN YOUR LANE, BITCH.  The west wing is off limits for a reason!  Use your common sense (which we KNOW you have) and don’t antagonize the person keeping you prisoner.  Curiosity literally almost killed the cat.  But…. All of the feels when the Beast saves Belle from the wolves and she helps him back to the castle!  And then they start fighting like an old, married couple, so adorable.

I don’t care what you look like: if you gift me with a library that looks like that, then chances of me loving you forever are pretty good.  But those table manners will drop you a solid 4 points.  Is he missing Emily Post in that library?  Somehow, though, the Beast turns it around and charms Belle right out onto the dance floor.

Beauty and the Beast GIF

As if this film needed more conflict… That darn magic mirror has to go and ruin everything.  OR DOES IT?

Beauty and the Beast GIF

~Tales

 

Serious question: Do you all want me to continue not necessarily spoiling the ending?  Or can I have your permission to start doing so?

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Fast & Furious

Now things are REALLY starting to get good.  Why, you ask?  A. Paul Walker is in primo babe form.  B. Pitubll dominates the soundtrack.  C.  It’s the first installment where the team is actually fighting for something.  The franchise returns to LA, so let the games begin.

4.6

It was a nice touch to have the opening sequence reminiscent of the first film.  Especially as the franchise is bringing back the original cast, plus a few others along for the ride.  HAN LIVES.  Or have we gone back in time?  It might be a movie… Or two before we find the truth.  Thankfully Letty has left her impossibly 2001 wardrobe behind.  We also have Don Omar and Tego Calderon, and I’m pretty sure they’re the Spanish versions of the two old Muppet guys.  Once again, Dom’s driving skills are basically heaven sent.

4.1

“I hear Rio is nice this time of year…. Ride or die, remember?” – THE ULTIMATE IN FORESHADOWING.  Letty is the face of the Ride or Die mentality.

I do wish they had given us some explanation as to how Brian O’Conner went from stealing evidence to becoming a federal agent “five years later”.  I can’t complain too much, because Paul Walker really know how to work that suit.  Literally though, the first 10 minutes of this movie is information overload.  WHY IS LETTY GONE?  HOW DARE SOMEONE MURDER HER!  Clearly said person does not know what kind of war they started.  That’s like taking Liam Neeson’s daughter.  Another question though, who in their right mind would let Brian O’Conner have ANYTHING to do with capturing Dominic Toretto?  Are they insane?

4.4

Interesting how Dom and Brian just “happen” to cross paths while looking for the same guy…  Or fate, whatever.  So at this point, they’re either going to kill each other or let bygones be bygones.  But that fourth guy in the race who asks, “Who’s closing these streets?”  Seriously?  Someone’s a little naive.  And why must Brian always point out that “he almost had Dom” or that Dom “cheated”?  Let’s take some responsibility, O’Conner.

4.3

LOVE the conversation with Dom, Brian, and Campos, “He used to date my sister”.  Understatement of the century.  And then basically nothing happens until we all take a ride down to Mexico.  You know, they never actually address Gisele by name.  Again, maybe it will take a movie or two to actually hear her name.  After watching this franchise many, many times, you really begin to notice the tiniest details.

Sidenote: Stasiak is a douche.

Now it’s time for an installment of Sophie’s Choice.  Brian must choose between his job and his own moral compass.  Will he help Dom again OR will he decide to actually obey the law for once?  STAY TUNED KIDS.  Oh wait, Dom is bleeding and Brian’s White Knight complex appears to save us all!  But can I be candid?  Clearly the best scenes are when Brian, Mia, and Dom are all together.  Duh, family FO’ LIFE.  Also, Brian and Mia are the perfect couple.  SPOILER ALERT: Their children will win the genetic lottery.

4.5

“Nothing really matters unless you have a code.” – LOVE AND FAMILY, WHY DO YOU EVEN HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT?  That’s literally the basis of this entire frachise.  PLOT TWIST: “When were you gonna tell me you were running Letty?!”  Seriously, though, from this point on the plot twists just keep on coming.  But the important thing is that true love conquers all, right?

4.2

Overall, one of my preferred Fast and Furious movies.  Not the best, but a VAST improvement from the third one.

~Tales

 

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Pitch Perfect

You HAD to know that this one was coming…  I mean, Pitch Perfect is only one of the greatest comedies of the 21st century.  Which is a legitimate thing to say, because we are 15 years in and going strong.  Obviously, this movie is great, but I don’t want to have a 5,000 word blog post, so I will try to contain myself while writing.  ANYWHO… Are you ready to get pitch-slapped with some aca-awesomeness?

They did not miss a beat, having the Universal Studios theme music done in a-capella.  The beginning is marvelous, two minutes in and we already have 10ish solid one-liners AND a mic-drop.  THAT’S when you know this movie means business.  Oh, I’m sorry, they actually prove that in the Barden Bella’s first number.

*FOUR MONTHS LATER*

We cut to “present day” at Barden University.  Where we hear a “sick beat” (take THAT T-Swift).  This movie is basically everything a real-life college student wishes college was like (eg. dorm room size, beautiful people, Skylar Astin, etc.).  I am also convinced that this movie does not contain a scene without a great and immensely quotable line.  Side note: if THAT is what being a man is all about at Barden University, then I fear for humanity.

Oooooh, Aubrey, a type-A pain in my ass.  AND FOR THE MAIN EVENT…. FAT AMY!  Literally, Pitch Perfect would be nothing without her.  She’s the best singer in Tasmania with teeth.  I am also pretty good at mermaid dancing, Fat Amy, we should be best friends.

“Aca-scuse me?  Singing and dancing to a Mariah Carey chart-topper is not ‘lame’.” – One of my favorite lines, unfortunately I haven’t had a chance to use it in my daily life yet.  If you have any suggestions, please let me know!  But for real though, who goes around a college activities fair and calls a group lame to their face?  ESPECIALLY when you are only a freshman, that in fact, does not know everything?  Sooo disrespectful.

Aubrey

On a happier/sadder note, Benji is the most adorable character and a close second to Fat Amy.  I wouldn’t mind a little back story on Luke, the station manager.  Like, why is he in America?  Is it to be a dick, because he’s doing a great job at that.  In other news, I KID YOU NOT, Jesse is everything I’ve ever wanted in a boyfriend: hilarious, LOVE movies (especially 80s classics), talented, and a heart of gold.

Jesse - Pitch Perfect

Then we have it, the shower scene.  First of all, Beca is SUCH a hipster – “You know David Guetta?” and also VERY judgmental.  Second of all, I wish I had Chloe’s and Amy’s self-confidence.  But Brittany Snow’s satisfied smile is sooo creepy.  Audition scene:  I am Justin, you are Justin, we are all Justin.  It’s just the sad, sad world we live in. I love the insult towards “Glee” in McLovin’s monologue.   HELLO Esther Dean!  *sings Drop It Low*  That shirt does wonders for Jesse’s biceps, he should only ever wear that.

Benji - Pitch Perfect

Say it with me: “I, *sings name*, promise to fulfill the duties and responsibilities of a Bella woman.  And I solemnly promise to never have sexual relations with a Treblemaker, or may my vocal chords be ripped out by wolves….” *coughunlessitsJessecough*  AND THEN WE HAVE THE SADDEST SCENE IN THE MOVIE WHEN BENJI IS SINGING TO HIMSELF IN HIS ROOM.  *heart breaks into a million pieces*

RIFF-OFF:  Ladies of the 80’s?  I think the movie execs went through my iPod before filming this scene.  Jesse is literally singing to me when he breaks out into Foreigner’s “Feels Like the First Time”.  “No Diggity” – bringing people together since the 90’s.  Seriously, Pitch Perfect brought this Blackstreet tune back to life.  Perfection.

Barden Bellas

One step forward, three steps back:  Beca finally invites Jesse over to hang out in her dorm room and she asks the really important questions like, “What does Judd Nelson eat for breakfast?”  BUT, everything falls apart when Beca is a bitch.  Again.  Fat Amy saves the competition with her soul-singing, but then goes on to get a little too into an aca-brawl.  Benji is a class act, still cheering on his roommate and the Treblemakers, despite being denied by them.  TURK.  That’s all.  SERIOUSLY THOUGH, Jesse straight-up RUNS to help Beca and she is just the biggest bitch in the movieverse.

“Sisqo live is the best performer” – Bumper.  This entire sequence at the gas station and on both buses is probably my favorite.  Mainly because Fat Amy is gonna finish Bumper like a cheesecake.  Also because no matter what anyone says, I love Miley.  I will say, Fat Amy and I are a lot alike.  She and I both sing to avoid answering uncomfortable questions.

Fat Amy

The depressing spring break scene always makes me want to watch The Breakfast Club.  A true classic.  I love Chloe’s outfit when the Barden Bellas swing back into action.  Jesse has every right to shut the door in Beca’s face.  Aaaand then Aubrey and Chloe snap.  It is so disgusting.  But the confession circle is gold and the “Just the Way You Are/Just a Dream” mash-up is what dreams are made of.

Fat Amy - Enough

Confession time:  I wish I could win trophies by making music with my mouth.  On that note (A-CAPELLA PUN), it’s the “Final Countdown“.  Once again, Benji is breaking hearts, but this time also taking names.  And then… words can’t describe the emotions that the Bella’s final number inspire.

Jesse and Benji

Aca-mazing.

~Tales

 

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Teen Witch

An eighties cult-classic (just barely, coming in in 1989), Teen Witch touches on many subjects that teenagers will always face: trying to “fit in” and, more importantly, having the courage to be yourself.

The movie has one of the best opening scenes that I’ve ever seen.  Surprise, surprise, though, IT WAS ALL A DREAM.  That’s okay, I’m pretty sure most humans have had dreams along the same lines before.  Also, I’m in love with her red dress and the entire movie soundtrack.  So eighties, and so perfect.  Teen Witch stars Robin Lively as Louise Miller (yes, related to Gossip Girl’s Blake Lively), a nerdy girl in high school who is unsatisfied with her life and current social standing.  Sound familiar?  Secretly in love with the football quarterback and part of a clueless family.  Besides the dream sequence, her wardrobe in the beginning of the movie is atrocious.  Even for eighties standards.  The most “blah” colors all the time.

Teen Witch 1.6

My favorite characters really have no added benefit to the plot of the movie, but they are immensely entertaining – the three “bros” that are musically inclined.  My least favorite character is the life-ruining teacher.  He is very annoying and cruel, calling Louise out in class.  THEN HE GOES AND READS A PAGE OF HER DIARY OUT LOUD IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE CLASS.  Are you kidding me???  Worst teacher ever.  I feel ya, Louise.  I would’ve hidden in the bathroom too.  Then we realize this movie is actually better off as a musical, because they all “Like Boys”.  It may be cheesy, but I do enjoy the scene and the song.  So many different ways to wear that purple leotard.  Although, I’m glad my high school didn’t have a required gym uniform.  And then, because it is an eighties movie, it is basically a requirement to have a scene where Louise hides, watching Brad staying late at football practice by himself because he is just *so* dedicated (*I said that in a fake, dreamy voice*).

Teen Witch 1.3

Then the REAL story begins.  She is stranded at night and takes refuge at a psychic’s house who tells her strange things will happen.  A few days later, Louise’s drama teacher just *happens* upon an antique amulet and strange things ACTUALLY start to happen.  [SIDENOTE: the sex education scene is also pointless, but too good to not include in the movie.]  After that, I’m sure much of the audience is jealous when she turns her annoying sibling into a dog.  You’ll notice I’m not saying much about the school dance sequence because it is so lame.  Literally the only thing I will say is that her pervvy date helps the plot along by scaring her into going back to Madame Serena’s.  Time to get the party started.

[SIDENOTE: Proud to say I have glasses very similar to Madame Serena’s.  No shame.]

Two words: truth spell.  It spells trouble.  And humor.  Calling the rain and then dancing around?  Totally something I would do.  Love spell?  No.  Absolutely not.  Voodoo doll on the evil teacher?  Utter perfection – one of the best scenes in the entire movie.  Completely necessary to the plot and my life.  Strip tease in front of students, walk through the car wash for a shower – sounds like a good punishment to me.  Then.  It’s time.   THE ALL TIME BEST SCENE – TOP THAT.  Again, we see my favorite characters just gettin’ down.  Then they are joined by Polly being a badass woman for one moment in her life.  One of the few scenes that Louise is a completely good friend.  “Look at how funky he is.” Too much.

Teen Witch 1.1

And finally, the popularity spell.  First of all, the concert scene is adorable and I love the jean jacket.  Second, WHY DOES HER HAIR MAGICALLY CHANGE BECAUSE OF THIS SPELL?  Nothing in the words say “make my hair beautiful”.  SHE COULD HAVE DONE THAT TO HER HAIR AT ANY TIME.  Not trying to be superficial here, like she was, but…  (That elipsis is because I paused to get tea.) … you can have good hair and take care of yourself without being popular.  This part also shows how Polly is probably the only character in the movie with her head of straight, BECAUSE SHE WAS FRIENDS WITH LOUISE BEFORE LOUISE BECAME POPULAR.  Also, I think Louise went a little overboard with the spell.  I mean, having banners hanging in the school with your name on them?  A little pathetic.

 

Teen Witch 1.4

And then the slutty music begins to play.  And clothes begin to come off.  And the movie does not hold back on the tongues.  From this point on, the movie seems a tad rushed.  Louise begins to see the cracks in her spell and the rest of her powers.  But then her clueless dad comes in to have a cheesy conversation about self-confidence.  I mean, the people camped out on her lawn are a bit much.  Her conscience really shows when she rejects Brad’s dance invitation,  Then Louise takes the advice I screamed loudly at the television and goes back to see Serena about fixing everything.  Although, it might’ve been easier to just start wearing her dorky clothes again to make everyone ignore her.  Unfortunately, Serena is a cynic and not a lot of help, until her conscience bubbles to the surface too.  “The real magic is believing in yourself.  If you can do that, you can make anything happen.”  Cheesy-to-the-max, but still rings true.

Teen Witch 1.2

Finally, another dance scene.  Of course an eighties movie culminates to this fateful point.  Almost like a lead-in to the nineties classic, Can’t Hardly Wait…. (LIGHTBULB.  That is another possible review… Stay tuned.)  I must say, thank goodness they turned this movie into a Broadway musical, because it was simply meant to be.  POLLY FINALLY GETS HER RHET.  That’s the true magic of this movie, because I relate most to Polly.  IT’S GONNA BE MY FINEST HOUR.  Perfect finale song.  But the way she ends the popularity spell is so obvious and kind of cliche, but still touches the heart.  What can I say, I’m a sucker for the happy endings.

Teen Witch 1.5

 

 

~Tales

 

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The Fast and the Furious 3: Tokyo Drift

Let me preface this by saying there is an 83% chance that this review transforms into a rant.  Does anyone actually like The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift?  No?  So we’re on the same page, then.  I must say, it is extremely different rewatching this installment of the franchise when you are completely up-to-date.

F&F 3.1

FIRST OF ALL, the most boring opening sequence to a movie.  HOW ON EARTH IS THIS SUPPOSED TO INTRIGUE US FOR THE REST OF THE FILM?  I do appreciate the song choice, though (Six Days by DJ Shadow).  I do understand the point of the opening sequence, it’s supposed to show a cliche and monotonous high school existence.  All the better to show the drastic differences in Tokyo later.  Literally the worst part of this movie happens in the first two minutes: A KID IS GETTING BULLIED BY OTHER STUDENTS AND SEAN DOES NOTHING TO HELP HIM.  WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, SEAN?  Then the first race is in the “Shangri-La Estates”.  Who do they think they’re fooling?  Is that supposed to be some form of foreshadowing?  There was no punch to that first race.  It didn’t have even 1/5 of the intensity that the first two Fast and Furious movies had.  Maybe because we go into it knowing that they are stupid teenagers, but I digress.

His relationship with his father is EXTREMELY uncomfortable to watch.  There is no connection/bond there.  Also, what a horrible thing for his father to just let him sink or swim in getting to his high school on his first day by himself.  Rude.  And the shoe thing is definitely something that would’ve happened to me too, but I would’ve turned beet red and possibly cried.  I AM AN EMOTIONAL PERSON, OKAY?

And now, for one of the two bright spots in this entire film: TWINKIE AKA BOW WOW.  That car, though.  I’m never fully sure how to process the sight of it.  I do love my Marvel characters, but that is a bit much.  Again though, I appreciate this music choice (My Life Be Like by Grits).  My real question is, how did Twinkie get introduced to the race scene in Tokyo?  What was his connection?  And how does he get his hands on all of that merchandise he’s pushing?

F&F 3.5

Hello to the other semi-important characters, including “the Justin Timberlake of Japan”.  BUT PRAISE THE LORD FOR HAN, THOUGH.  LITERALLY THE BEST CHARACTER IN THIS MOVIE AND THE ONLY THING THAT SAVES IT.  Even the drifting isn’t impressive enough to redeem this story.  It’s literally Han.  His chill personality and blase`attitude are the best.  The only one with enough patience to try and make Sean a real driver.  I am genuinely embarrassed for Sean in his first Tokyo race.  Did he really have to let his pride and hot-head get him into trouble on his FIRST DAY in a new country?  Like, you have NO clue about the lifestyle and culture of this country, so lay low for a bit.  It’s really common sense.  But I love how Han gives Sean no choice but to follow his command and learn from him.  What does he see in Sean?  For those of you who have seen the entire franchise already, then you know the answer to this question.  As do I.  I also know the answer to how Han can afford all of his toys.  THE REST OF YOU NEED TO GET ON MY LEVEL.

F&F 3.2

Twinkie’s breakdown of the social/model scene in Tokyo is hilarious.  And honestly, probably true.  If I were a gorgeous model with guys either always trying to impress me or too scared to talk to me, I would totally go for the funny guy.

“Who you choose to be around you let’s you know who you are.” – THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT QUOTE OF THE ENTIRE MOVIE AND OF COURSE IT IS SAID BY HAN.  “Life is simple: you make choices and you don’t look back.”  Part of me wishes that we got to see Sean’s drift training in real time because I am very curious just how long it takes someone to learn it.

F&F 3.4

The rest of this movie though, at least until the VERY end, I cannot really handle.  HOW DARE THEY? HOW. DARE. THEY.  You know what I’m talking about.  But the ending is perfect.

F&F 3.3

~Tales

 

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Paris: When it Sizzles

Dr. Pepper, meet Audrey Hepburn.  Are we all good and introduced?  Perfect, then we can commence.  For everyone’s information, THIS MOVIE IS A SATIRE OF THE FILM INDUSTRY.  I love satires.  Many times we have the same opinions.  Throughout this particular review, I will be quoting the film because they are brilliant.

Paris 4

Hello Monte Carlo.  Wait, where are you going Monte Carlo?  Oh, look, it’s Paris.

“Never answer a question with a question.  Is that clear?”  “Did I?”

Richard Benson (William Holden) is over-the-top sarcastic and a douche-bag.  Gabrielle Simpson (Audrey Hepburn), however, goes with the flow, but seems a little too cool.  This film makes me wonder how many others were initially written in two days.  But it is refreshing that the latest technology in this film is only a typewriter.  This movie is basically one long conversation between Benson and Simpson, which I love.  I’m sad to say that I’m not a huge fan of Audrey’s clothes in this film.  They’re not ugly, just not my ideal style.  The sexual tension between the two main characters is beyond obvious.  On purpose of course, but it still makes me cringe a little.

Paris 2

“Depravity can be terribly boring if you don’t smoke or drink, but a person does have to try to grow.”

“You really like it, don’t you? Life?”  “Every morning when I wake up and see that there’s a new day, I go absolutely ape.”

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“First good one I’ve had in four months. No, that’s not true. A few weeks ago I had an idea to give up drinking, but it didn’t photograph.”

TONY CURTIS HAS THE BEST CHARACTER IN THIS WHOLE MOVIE.  First of all, I love him anyway.  Second of all, I love his interpretation of a cliche southern-California narcissistic actor.  Pure gold.  I also love when Benson breaks down the screenwriting formulas BECAUSE IT IS SO TRUE.  Even today, movies follow the same formula.  Like, do the screenwriters think we don’t notice???  Also, the references to previous Audrey films are nice hidden treasures.  The screenplay is UTTERLY ridiculous until Benson and Simpson finally find their rhythm.  Even then, I’m not sure… No, if Audrey was ever in an actual movie like that I would  watch it.

Paris 8

“Spies in trench coats?  I’m afraid I got carried away, Miss Simpson.  We’ll have to go back.”

THE BOY AND THE GIRL MEET.  An international police force?  For all countries or based out of one?  THESE ARE QUESTIONS I NEED ANSWERED.  The one thing I do appreciate in this film, THANK YOU, RICHARD BENSON, FOR NOT UNDERESTIMATING THE MINDS OF THE AUDIENCE.  Obviously with that meet-cute, the two highly paid heads will go to lunch together.  Unfortunately that is followed by horrible dialogue between Gaby and Rick.  Too much.  Like Kardashian too much.

That whole vampire thing.  WAY BEFORE IT’S TIME.  This movie clearly knew what was over the horizon and knew just how ridiculous it would become.  VAMPIRE LOVE STORIES CAN LEAVE NOW PLEASE.  The only one I need in my life is Dracula with Gary Oldman.

A SWITCH ON A SWITCH.  Yes, yes, we get it.  The proposed movie plot is ridiculous.  Moving on.  Also, there is NO WAY that Richard Benson’s personality could change from two days around the “right” girl.

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“I must say the mind reels.” … “Did you ever realize that Frankenstein and My Fair Lady are the same story?  One ends happily, the other doesn’t.”  THIS LINE IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN ALL OF US.  The other thing more important than all of us?  THE PARCHEESI GAME INNUENDO.

But in all honesty, I love this film.  It’s one of those things where it’s so bad, it’s actually good.  Plus Audrey could do no wrong in my eyes.  I love both endings.  The one for the screenplay and the actual movie ending, because they both seem more realistic than any other options.  And by endings, I mean about the shot and Benson calling Simpson out about the bird.

Paris 1 Paris 3

I think one of my favorite parts is that William Holden’s character is almost a 180 from his last film with Audrey in Sabrina.  Also, Audrey was very underrated as a comedic actress.  Those are some of my favorite Audrey characters.  She is great at playing an over-the-top character.  And her hair is perfect.

Paris: When it Sizzles?  More like Paris: When it Sizzles Out.  Just kidding.

Paris 5

 

~Tales

 

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2 Fast 2 Furious

Here it is folks, the next installment of my Fast and Furious series!  I can almost feel the excitement as you read this.  This is definitely not the best one in the franchise, but I love some aspects of it.  One very important one being that it introduces Ludacris and Tyrese into the franchise.  Their one-liners and dynamic are the best.

F&F 2.4

Kudos to the director for having Tej (aka Ludacris) be the first character that the audience sees in the film, especially with his huge afro.  THEN to find out that he and Brian O’Connor (aka love of my life Paul Walker – RIP) already have a mutually respectful relationship?  Perfection.  For real though, it really helps set up the plot of the film.  Plus Suki is just a badass.  Then Eva Mendes just appears and what happens?  BRIAN GETS CAUGHT.  Then blackmailed into helping the feds.  Thankfully, Brian has the sense to demand a decent partner, which brings in Roman.  And this series would be nowhere without Roman and his bald head.

F&F 2.6

F&F 2.5

Their mission?  Help the feds bring down a drug trafficker and money launderer.  Will they succeed?  Depends on Roman keeping his cool and Brian staying focused.  Switching coasts really helps the audience get into the mindset that the second installment has a completely different plot than the first.  That way, they know they can expect some amazing driving sequences, but different character development and relationships.  Plus the scenery is way more gorgeous that LA.

THIS FEDERAL AGENT, THOUGH.  HE IS LITERALLY A DOUCHE-BAG THAT IS TRYING TO GET THE GUYS KILLED.  Seriously, Agent Markham, get your ego in check and lose the assumptions.  Just because Brian and Roman made some questionable life choices doesn’t make them inherently bad people.  If you can’t tell, this guy is my least favorite character.  Which is saying something because Carter Verone is a real piece of work.

Also, where can I sign up for the Brian O’Connor School of Driving?  I would have no problem being teacher’s pet in that class.  I’m also 99% sure that Roman loves to take off his shirt, or at least expose his abs, every chance he gets.  But I can really relate to him on a spiritual level, because he’s always hungry.

F&F 2.1

F&F 2.2

I think my favorite part to this movie is that it focuses on Brian regaining Roman’s trust.  He earned and broke the trust of the Torretto family in the first movie, so then to do a complete 180 degrees and have to earn someone’s trust back is a good progression.  It’s also the movie where Brian finally realizes that he needs to look out for himself and always have a backup plan.

OH GOD ANTHER TORTURE SCENE.  I can’t handle these.  ENOUGH IS ENOUGH, SOMEONE STOP THIS.  Especially when it is a disgusting rat.  Yuck.  I feel you, Eva Mendes – I would have the same horrified look on my face if I was in your position.  Honestly, this is the scene where Brian and Roman need to run for the hills.  Luckily for the audience they’re more daring and willing to risk more.

And then all hell breaks loose.  I still wonder just how hard it was to accomplish that car scramble.  Did it take a lot of takes or did everyone know exactly where they needed to go?  How much of it was computer generated?  These are the questions that won’t keep me up at night, but I still need the answers to.  Alas, I may never find out.

F&F 2.8

PLOT TWIST.  Verone was testing Eva Mendes.  FYI I never bother to learn her character’s name.  I’m pretty sure they only say it out loud once.  No point.  To me, she’s just kind of there as eye candy.  But then Brian has to play the hero and save a damsel in distress.  NO. YOU BELONG WITH MIA.  OR ME.  Anyway…

F&F 2.7

What a fun ride we just took together.  Keep your eyes peeled for my take on the third film- The Fast and the Furious 3: Tokyo Drift. aka the one that will hopefully make sense when the 7th film comes out.

~Tales

 

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