Beauty and the Beast

In honor of the upcoming live-action reboot, (you know, the one where studio execs are agonizingly drawing out the announcements of the cast) this week’s feature is the  one, the only: *pause for dramatic effect* Beauty and the Beast!  This long introduction is brought to you by my sister not rewinding my videotape.  (And yes, this tape features previews of Aladdin, Sleeping Beauty, and Pinocchio.)

Just so you all are aware, I may or may not have the Beauty and the Beast soundtrack on my iPhone.  I’m talking the opening monologue and the *transformation* music.  After all, this is my second favorite Disney movie/fairy tale.

*Insert cliche comment about how the Beast was technically cursed at the age of ten and that enchantress meant business*  But seriously, though, you expect a ten year old prince with no parents (supposedly) to have love in his heart?  More like deep psychological issues stemming from neglect/abandonment.

Enter Belle.  I’m pretty sure the book that she gets from the bookstore is actually Henry’s storybook from ABC’s Once Upon a Time.  And if those townspeople have issues with a woman reading then they can just be stuck in their “poor provincial town” and do the rest of the world a favor and never converse with outsiders.  While others question that whole beastiality thing, my main question about this movie is how a family like Belle and her father ended up in said town.  And why doesn’t Belle’s father listen to his obviously smarter horse?

Beauty and the Beast GIF

Enter the enchanted castle.  TALKING OBJECTS?  My life’s dream!  Do you know how many times I’ve talked to inanimate objects and expected a response with no luck?  On another note, I think we can all agree that Chip is clearly the best character in this entire movie.  So obviously his casting in the new live-action film will be CRUCIAL.

Beauty and the Beast GIF

Can we just talk about how utterly despicable Gaston is for ASSUMING that Belle will say yes to his marriage proposal???  Gaston would totally be the person at a frat party who would utilize a date-rape drug if anyone rejected him.  Belle knows what she wants and deserves – a true role model to us all.  She just wants someone to understand!

Beauty and the Beast GIF

Something interesting I noticed on my 534th time watching this: the servants reveal themselves to Belle’s father when he enters the castle.  But they hide from Belle, and the Beast is the first inhabitant she meets.  I’m not sure if that’s supposed to be symbolic of something, but it sure caught my attention.

The lyrics to Gaston’s song is everything that is wrong with society.  That’s all I have to say about that.  But you would think that when Belle’s father comes running into the pub raving about something happening to her, Gaston might actually do something to “help”.  If only to use it as some sort of way to guilt Belle into marriage.  But nooooooo., instead he’s going to blackmail her.  Class. Act.

Beauty and the Beast GIF

Back to the castle.  FIRST OF ALL, who does the Beast think he is by forbidding Belle to eat unless they eat together?  Literally torture.  Second of all, how did Cogsworth think it would be a good idea to leave Lumiere on watch?  Cogsworth is the coworker we all love to hate.  But at least the unpleasantness results in us seeing the situation from the Beast’s point of view.  We get our first glimpse at his room, the rose and his self-loathing.

Then we are blessed to be their guest and view a visual masterpiece.  I truly appreciate the utter depression of using salt in the place of snow.  Also, if anyone knows where I can get a set of the dinnerware featured, please let me know!

Beauty and the Beast GIF

The only bad thing I can say about Belle?  STAY IN YOUR LANE, BITCH.  The west wing is off limits for a reason!  Use your common sense (which we KNOW you have) and don’t antagonize the person keeping you prisoner.  Curiosity literally almost killed the cat.  But…. All of the feels when the Beast saves Belle from the wolves and she helps him back to the castle!  And then they start fighting like an old, married couple, so adorable.

I don’t care what you look like: if you gift me with a library that looks like that, then chances of me loving you forever are pretty good.  But those table manners will drop you a solid 4 points.  Is he missing Emily Post in that library?  Somehow, though, the Beast turns it around and charms Belle right out onto the dance floor.

Beauty and the Beast GIF

As if this film needed more conflict… That darn magic mirror has to go and ruin everything.  OR DOES IT?

Beauty and the Beast GIF

~Tales

 

Serious question: Do you all want me to continue not necessarily spoiling the ending?  Or can I have your permission to start doing so?

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Paris: When it Sizzles

Dr. Pepper, meet Audrey Hepburn.  Are we all good and introduced?  Perfect, then we can commence.  For everyone’s information, THIS MOVIE IS A SATIRE OF THE FILM INDUSTRY.  I love satires.  Many times we have the same opinions.  Throughout this particular review, I will be quoting the film because they are brilliant.

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Hello Monte Carlo.  Wait, where are you going Monte Carlo?  Oh, look, it’s Paris.

“Never answer a question with a question.  Is that clear?”  “Did I?”

Richard Benson (William Holden) is over-the-top sarcastic and a douche-bag.  Gabrielle Simpson (Audrey Hepburn), however, goes with the flow, but seems a little too cool.  This film makes me wonder how many others were initially written in two days.  But it is refreshing that the latest technology in this film is only a typewriter.  This movie is basically one long conversation between Benson and Simpson, which I love.  I’m sad to say that I’m not a huge fan of Audrey’s clothes in this film.  They’re not ugly, just not my ideal style.  The sexual tension between the two main characters is beyond obvious.  On purpose of course, but it still makes me cringe a little.

Paris 2

“Depravity can be terribly boring if you don’t smoke or drink, but a person does have to try to grow.”

“You really like it, don’t you? Life?”  “Every morning when I wake up and see that there’s a new day, I go absolutely ape.”

Paris 7

“First good one I’ve had in four months. No, that’s not true. A few weeks ago I had an idea to give up drinking, but it didn’t photograph.”

TONY CURTIS HAS THE BEST CHARACTER IN THIS WHOLE MOVIE.  First of all, I love him anyway.  Second of all, I love his interpretation of a cliche southern-California narcissistic actor.  Pure gold.  I also love when Benson breaks down the screenwriting formulas BECAUSE IT IS SO TRUE.  Even today, movies follow the same formula.  Like, do the screenwriters think we don’t notice???  Also, the references to previous Audrey films are nice hidden treasures.  The screenplay is UTTERLY ridiculous until Benson and Simpson finally find their rhythm.  Even then, I’m not sure… No, if Audrey was ever in an actual movie like that I would  watch it.

Paris 8

“Spies in trench coats?  I’m afraid I got carried away, Miss Simpson.  We’ll have to go back.”

THE BOY AND THE GIRL MEET.  An international police force?  For all countries or based out of one?  THESE ARE QUESTIONS I NEED ANSWERED.  The one thing I do appreciate in this film, THANK YOU, RICHARD BENSON, FOR NOT UNDERESTIMATING THE MINDS OF THE AUDIENCE.  Obviously with that meet-cute, the two highly paid heads will go to lunch together.  Unfortunately that is followed by horrible dialogue between Gaby and Rick.  Too much.  Like Kardashian too much.

That whole vampire thing.  WAY BEFORE IT’S TIME.  This movie clearly knew what was over the horizon and knew just how ridiculous it would become.  VAMPIRE LOVE STORIES CAN LEAVE NOW PLEASE.  The only one I need in my life is Dracula with Gary Oldman.

A SWITCH ON A SWITCH.  Yes, yes, we get it.  The proposed movie plot is ridiculous.  Moving on.  Also, there is NO WAY that Richard Benson’s personality could change from two days around the “right” girl.

Paris 6

“I must say the mind reels.” … “Did you ever realize that Frankenstein and My Fair Lady are the same story?  One ends happily, the other doesn’t.”  THIS LINE IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN ALL OF US.  The other thing more important than all of us?  THE PARCHEESI GAME INNUENDO.

But in all honesty, I love this film.  It’s one of those things where it’s so bad, it’s actually good.  Plus Audrey could do no wrong in my eyes.  I love both endings.  The one for the screenplay and the actual movie ending, because they both seem more realistic than any other options.  And by endings, I mean about the shot and Benson calling Simpson out about the bird.

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I think one of my favorite parts is that William Holden’s character is almost a 180 from his last film with Audrey in Sabrina.  Also, Audrey was very underrated as a comedic actress.  Those are some of my favorite Audrey characters.  She is great at playing an over-the-top character.  And her hair is perfect.

Paris: When it Sizzles?  More like Paris: When it Sizzles Out.  Just kidding.

Paris 5

 

~Tales

 

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