Beauty and the Beast

In honor of the upcoming live-action reboot, (you know, the one where studio execs are agonizingly drawing out the announcements of the cast) this week’s feature is the  one, the only: *pause for dramatic effect* Beauty and the Beast!  This long introduction is brought to you by my sister not rewinding my videotape.  (And yes, this tape features previews of Aladdin, Sleeping Beauty, and Pinocchio.)

Just so you all are aware, I may or may not have the Beauty and the Beast soundtrack on my iPhone.  I’m talking the opening monologue and the *transformation* music.  After all, this is my second favorite Disney movie/fairy tale.

*Insert cliche comment about how the Beast was technically cursed at the age of ten and that enchantress meant business*  But seriously, though, you expect a ten year old prince with no parents (supposedly) to have love in his heart?  More like deep psychological issues stemming from neglect/abandonment.

Enter Belle.  I’m pretty sure the book that she gets from the bookstore is actually Henry’s storybook from ABC’s Once Upon a Time.  And if those townspeople have issues with a woman reading then they can just be stuck in their “poor provincial town” and do the rest of the world a favor and never converse with outsiders.  While others question that whole beastiality thing, my main question about this movie is how a family like Belle and her father ended up in said town.  And why doesn’t Belle’s father listen to his obviously smarter horse?

Beauty and the Beast GIF

Enter the enchanted castle.  TALKING OBJECTS?  My life’s dream!  Do you know how many times I’ve talked to inanimate objects and expected a response with no luck?  On another note, I think we can all agree that Chip is clearly the best character in this entire movie.  So obviously his casting in the new live-action film will be CRUCIAL.

Beauty and the Beast GIF

Can we just talk about how utterly despicable Gaston is for ASSUMING that Belle will say yes to his marriage proposal???  Gaston would totally be the person at a frat party who would utilize a date-rape drug if anyone rejected him.  Belle knows what she wants and deserves – a true role model to us all.  She just wants someone to understand!

Beauty and the Beast GIF

Something interesting I noticed on my 534th time watching this: the servants reveal themselves to Belle’s father when he enters the castle.  But they hide from Belle, and the Beast is the first inhabitant she meets.  I’m not sure if that’s supposed to be symbolic of something, but it sure caught my attention.

The lyrics to Gaston’s song is everything that is wrong with society.  That’s all I have to say about that.  But you would think that when Belle’s father comes running into the pub raving about something happening to her, Gaston might actually do something to “help”.  If only to use it as some sort of way to guilt Belle into marriage.  But nooooooo., instead he’s going to blackmail her.  Class. Act.

Beauty and the Beast GIF

Back to the castle.  FIRST OF ALL, who does the Beast think he is by forbidding Belle to eat unless they eat together?  Literally torture.  Second of all, how did Cogsworth think it would be a good idea to leave Lumiere on watch?  Cogsworth is the coworker we all love to hate.  But at least the unpleasantness results in us seeing the situation from the Beast’s point of view.  We get our first glimpse at his room, the rose and his self-loathing.

Then we are blessed to be their guest and view a visual masterpiece.  I truly appreciate the utter depression of using salt in the place of snow.  Also, if anyone knows where I can get a set of the dinnerware featured, please let me know!

Beauty and the Beast GIF

The only bad thing I can say about Belle?  STAY IN YOUR LANE, BITCH.  The west wing is off limits for a reason!  Use your common sense (which we KNOW you have) and don’t antagonize the person keeping you prisoner.  Curiosity literally almost killed the cat.  But…. All of the feels when the Beast saves Belle from the wolves and she helps him back to the castle!  And then they start fighting like an old, married couple, so adorable.

I don’t care what you look like: if you gift me with a library that looks like that, then chances of me loving you forever are pretty good.  But those table manners will drop you a solid 4 points.  Is he missing Emily Post in that library?  Somehow, though, the Beast turns it around and charms Belle right out onto the dance floor.

Beauty and the Beast GIF

As if this film needed more conflict… That darn magic mirror has to go and ruin everything.  OR DOES IT?

Beauty and the Beast GIF

~Tales

 

Serious question: Do you all want me to continue not necessarily spoiling the ending?  Or can I have your permission to start doing so?

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Fast & Furious 6

AGAIN with the layering of the previous film’s ending and the current one’s beginning! IT’S BABY TIME!  “Our old life is done.” My butt. Not if the producers have anything to say about it.

The. Recap. Sequence. Is. Everything. The. Song. Is. Perfection. They do a good job of setting this next job up, scenes and dialogue reminiscent of Fast Five. And when Hobbs goes to Dom for help… Well it really goes to show that you can do anything you want in the movie industry. Even bringing people back from the dead #LettyLives.

6.4

My favorite scene in this installment happens very early on. The second Dom reaches out for help, the team – I’m sorry, the family, drops whatever they’re doing. No questions asked. Shoot, Roman turns a private jet filled with women around. That’s true loyalty.

6.5

The first time we meet Owen Shaw, we get a taste of just how brilliant and precise he is. Brian wasn’t kidding when he said the team is up against something they haven’t faced before. I mean, they’re bringing in some high tech go karts. Or dragsters. Whatever. AND THOSE CHIPS. What is this? The year 2340?  Oh, and if these movies had Friends episode titles, this one would be The One Where Letty Shoots Dom. Or The One Where Tej is the King of Sass.

6.8

They really brought it for this one. The fight scene between Letty and army chick, as well as Han & Roman versus the ninja guy – very well done. But I must say, the clear winner is Letty when she uses the handcuffs to her advantage.

6.7

Then Brian starts to bring up the tears when he is willing to sacrifice his freedom to go see what, wait for it, BRAGA, knows about Letty and Shaw. DO YOU UNDERSTAND? BRAGA IS BACK. Shit just got real. Oh, and Stasiak is still a douche. But at least know he’s a helpful douche. Brian’s still got it.

6.9

Oh hey, now we’re back to basics. This time, with a quick cameo from Rita Ora. “RIDE OR DIE, REMEMBER?” I also love how the Europeans say “Ready, steady, go”, it does seem to make more sense in my opinion. Also, is it me, or do Letty and Dom drift in their race? THAT’S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE A THING YET. It’s the same way with the Harry Potter movies and spell introductions. The best part, though, is how you can see Letty fall in love with Dom again, solely because of the way he drives.

6.3

SIDENOTE: Vin Diesel gives me hope, because though he’s in serious shape, he still has a double chin.

Finally, Brian returns safely from America and its time to actually go up against Shaw full force. But…. He has a tank. Han saves Gisele’s life, AGAIN. And some seriously impossible stunts occur. I mean, legitimately dramatized. “WE NEED MORE ALPHABETS.” If that’s not enough…

6.1

… PLOT TWIST #SaveMia. Then we have two of the saddest moments in this franchise to date. “Tokyo it is.”
I hope you all are handling the emotions better than I do.  Now we must wait until April 3rd.  Vaya con dios.

~Tales

 

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Fast Five

Arguably my favorite of the franchise, it is time we delve into Fast Five.  ARE YOU AS EXCITED AS I AM?  If you can’t even appreciate how they layered the end of the fourth movie in the opening scene of the fifth movie, then please, show yourself the exit button.  This is the first of the franchise where it really feels like a sequel.  Yes, the first three were a part of the franchise, but the fourth and fifth have that continuity that I am talking about.

5.4

RIOOOOOOOO de Janeiro.  Thanks to this movie, the city tit onto my travel list.  They even brought back Vince!!!  Admittedly, not my favorite character, but at least he lost the chain mail tank.  And found his own woman so he could leave Brian’s alone.  Sorry, that was very anti-feminist of me – women are NOT property, but hey, I’m fangirling here.  And my fangirling reaches new heights when I discover that BRIAN AND MIA ARE PASSING THEIR GORGEOUS GENETICS ON TO THE NEXT GENERATION.  Blessed.  The scene of them on the train sitting = relationship goals.  At least, MY relationship goals.  Why?  Am I alone in this?

5.2

It only makes sense in this franchise that the first “job” they attempt goes horribly south.  Otherwise they’d have no problems evading American law enforcement, including new franchise addition Dwayne Johnson, aka Hobbs.  Then this Portugese dude had to go and say something that seems SUPER sketchy and raise a red flag with Dom.  Which causes Brian to risk his life, again, and jump onto another moving vehicle.  But he’s doing it for Mia *sheds lone tear*.  Two DEA agents get killed, Dom and Brian get blamed, and the Feds are on the warpath.  NOT TO MENTION, that the Rio drug cartel is also looking for the dynamic trio.   Yay for conflict!

5.8

First, Vince just has to bring up Letty?  Low. Blow.  Then Thor’s “motivated” wife is introduced into the franchise.  Bad news bears for our favorite team.  Literally, it’s because of her that Hobbs and co. even find Dom, Brian and Mia.  But they’re not the only ones hot on the trail – it’s like a love triangle, but for crime.  Behind the scenes-wise, I’m convinced that when filming this chase scene they could only shoot less than a minute at a time.  Those alleys are quite narrow and limiting.

The next scene further solidifies my theory that Mia is the lynch-pin, because her pregnancy and stubbornness about staying together is the reason that brings some old friends back into the mix.  “One last job” must be the mantra that keeps the franchise going.  As well as “We’re gonna need a team”, aka Han, Roman, Tej, Gisele, Leo & Santos.  And I must say, they come up with a brilliant plan for this “last job”, too bad those pesky Feds are bound to muck it up.

5.7

The next few scenes consist of laying the groundwork for said job, but they are mostly to develop or accentuate the relationships between the team.  I will say, that for being my favorite film in the franchise, it probably has the least amount of actual driving/racing.  They even set up a primo race scenario while “practicing” for the jobs and THEY SKIP OVER IT.  Rude.  Clearly I am here more for the story-lines and characters.  ESPECIALLY a new blooming romance, aka Han and Gisele.  They are utterly perfect for each other, and then Gisele has to go and hit Han with the “Don’t send a man to do a woman’s job” line.  At least she knows what she’s doing.

5.1

Even though they didn’t put as many racing sequences in this one, they did put them in at the right moments.  I am, of course, referring to the million dollar quarter mile.  Perfect moment to keep the tone of the film from getting too serious and showing that they are truly becoming a family, not just criminals working together for money.  Even though they are that too.  The witty banter and one-liners of this scene are probably why it’s in my top five for this particular movie, for example: “Oh, imma get this money. I’m HOOONGRY”.  Oh Roman…

5.3

Time for “one last job”, and did I, or did I not call it?  The Feds muck it up.  Then the cartel mucks it up.  Everything gets seriously mucked up.  For what they lack in racing scenes, they make up for in combat sequences.  Obviously a fight between Hobbs and Dom is what the audience wants to see, but there is literally no reason given for said fight.  Other than a battle of testosterone.  But because everything gets mucked up, it gives Hobbs and the team common ground and a reason to work together.  Clearly meant to set up the next film installment, but I digress.

There really is no question that Fast Five is my favorite of the franchise (so far).  It is the first one where the Fast Family is really explored and prominent.  It is also the first plot where they have something to fight to protect.  And really, who doesn’t love a movie of protection?  Taken anyone?  Only one more Fast movie to review before the new one is released.

5.5

~Tales

 

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Fast & Furious

Now things are REALLY starting to get good.  Why, you ask?  A. Paul Walker is in primo babe form.  B. Pitubll dominates the soundtrack.  C.  It’s the first installment where the team is actually fighting for something.  The franchise returns to LA, so let the games begin.

4.6

It was a nice touch to have the opening sequence reminiscent of the first film.  Especially as the franchise is bringing back the original cast, plus a few others along for the ride.  HAN LIVES.  Or have we gone back in time?  It might be a movie… Or two before we find the truth.  Thankfully Letty has left her impossibly 2001 wardrobe behind.  We also have Don Omar and Tego Calderon, and I’m pretty sure they’re the Spanish versions of the two old Muppet guys.  Once again, Dom’s driving skills are basically heaven sent.

4.1

“I hear Rio is nice this time of year…. Ride or die, remember?” – THE ULTIMATE IN FORESHADOWING.  Letty is the face of the Ride or Die mentality.

I do wish they had given us some explanation as to how Brian O’Conner went from stealing evidence to becoming a federal agent “five years later”.  I can’t complain too much, because Paul Walker really know how to work that suit.  Literally though, the first 10 minutes of this movie is information overload.  WHY IS LETTY GONE?  HOW DARE SOMEONE MURDER HER!  Clearly said person does not know what kind of war they started.  That’s like taking Liam Neeson’s daughter.  Another question though, who in their right mind would let Brian O’Conner have ANYTHING to do with capturing Dominic Toretto?  Are they insane?

4.4

Interesting how Dom and Brian just “happen” to cross paths while looking for the same guy…  Or fate, whatever.  So at this point, they’re either going to kill each other or let bygones be bygones.  But that fourth guy in the race who asks, “Who’s closing these streets?”  Seriously?  Someone’s a little naive.  And why must Brian always point out that “he almost had Dom” or that Dom “cheated”?  Let’s take some responsibility, O’Conner.

4.3

LOVE the conversation with Dom, Brian, and Campos, “He used to date my sister”.  Understatement of the century.  And then basically nothing happens until we all take a ride down to Mexico.  You know, they never actually address Gisele by name.  Again, maybe it will take a movie or two to actually hear her name.  After watching this franchise many, many times, you really begin to notice the tiniest details.

Sidenote: Stasiak is a douche.

Now it’s time for an installment of Sophie’s Choice.  Brian must choose between his job and his own moral compass.  Will he help Dom again OR will he decide to actually obey the law for once?  STAY TUNED KIDS.  Oh wait, Dom is bleeding and Brian’s White Knight complex appears to save us all!  But can I be candid?  Clearly the best scenes are when Brian, Mia, and Dom are all together.  Duh, family FO’ LIFE.  Also, Brian and Mia are the perfect couple.  SPOILER ALERT: Their children will win the genetic lottery.

4.5

“Nothing really matters unless you have a code.” – LOVE AND FAMILY, WHY DO YOU EVEN HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT?  That’s literally the basis of this entire frachise.  PLOT TWIST: “When were you gonna tell me you were running Letty?!”  Seriously, though, from this point on the plot twists just keep on coming.  But the important thing is that true love conquers all, right?

4.2

Overall, one of my preferred Fast and Furious movies.  Not the best, but a VAST improvement from the third one.

~Tales

 

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Pitch Perfect

You HAD to know that this one was coming…  I mean, Pitch Perfect is only one of the greatest comedies of the 21st century.  Which is a legitimate thing to say, because we are 15 years in and going strong.  Obviously, this movie is great, but I don’t want to have a 5,000 word blog post, so I will try to contain myself while writing.  ANYWHO… Are you ready to get pitch-slapped with some aca-awesomeness?

They did not miss a beat, having the Universal Studios theme music done in a-capella.  The beginning is marvelous, two minutes in and we already have 10ish solid one-liners AND a mic-drop.  THAT’S when you know this movie means business.  Oh, I’m sorry, they actually prove that in the Barden Bella’s first number.

*FOUR MONTHS LATER*

We cut to “present day” at Barden University.  Where we hear a “sick beat” (take THAT T-Swift).  This movie is basically everything a real-life college student wishes college was like (eg. dorm room size, beautiful people, Skylar Astin, etc.).  I am also convinced that this movie does not contain a scene without a great and immensely quotable line.  Side note: if THAT is what being a man is all about at Barden University, then I fear for humanity.

Oooooh, Aubrey, a type-A pain in my ass.  AND FOR THE MAIN EVENT…. FAT AMY!  Literally, Pitch Perfect would be nothing without her.  She’s the best singer in Tasmania with teeth.  I am also pretty good at mermaid dancing, Fat Amy, we should be best friends.

“Aca-scuse me?  Singing and dancing to a Mariah Carey chart-topper is not ‘lame’.” – One of my favorite lines, unfortunately I haven’t had a chance to use it in my daily life yet.  If you have any suggestions, please let me know!  But for real though, who goes around a college activities fair and calls a group lame to their face?  ESPECIALLY when you are only a freshman, that in fact, does not know everything?  Sooo disrespectful.

Aubrey

On a happier/sadder note, Benji is the most adorable character and a close second to Fat Amy.  I wouldn’t mind a little back story on Luke, the station manager.  Like, why is he in America?  Is it to be a dick, because he’s doing a great job at that.  In other news, I KID YOU NOT, Jesse is everything I’ve ever wanted in a boyfriend: hilarious, LOVE movies (especially 80s classics), talented, and a heart of gold.

Jesse - Pitch Perfect

Then we have it, the shower scene.  First of all, Beca is SUCH a hipster – “You know David Guetta?” and also VERY judgmental.  Second of all, I wish I had Chloe’s and Amy’s self-confidence.  But Brittany Snow’s satisfied smile is sooo creepy.  Audition scene:  I am Justin, you are Justin, we are all Justin.  It’s just the sad, sad world we live in. I love the insult towards “Glee” in McLovin’s monologue.   HELLO Esther Dean!  *sings Drop It Low*  That shirt does wonders for Jesse’s biceps, he should only ever wear that.

Benji - Pitch Perfect

Say it with me: “I, *sings name*, promise to fulfill the duties and responsibilities of a Bella woman.  And I solemnly promise to never have sexual relations with a Treblemaker, or may my vocal chords be ripped out by wolves….” *coughunlessitsJessecough*  AND THEN WE HAVE THE SADDEST SCENE IN THE MOVIE WHEN BENJI IS SINGING TO HIMSELF IN HIS ROOM.  *heart breaks into a million pieces*

RIFF-OFF:  Ladies of the 80’s?  I think the movie execs went through my iPod before filming this scene.  Jesse is literally singing to me when he breaks out into Foreigner’s “Feels Like the First Time”.  “No Diggity” – bringing people together since the 90’s.  Seriously, Pitch Perfect brought this Blackstreet tune back to life.  Perfection.

Barden Bellas

One step forward, three steps back:  Beca finally invites Jesse over to hang out in her dorm room and she asks the really important questions like, “What does Judd Nelson eat for breakfast?”  BUT, everything falls apart when Beca is a bitch.  Again.  Fat Amy saves the competition with her soul-singing, but then goes on to get a little too into an aca-brawl.  Benji is a class act, still cheering on his roommate and the Treblemakers, despite being denied by them.  TURK.  That’s all.  SERIOUSLY THOUGH, Jesse straight-up RUNS to help Beca and she is just the biggest bitch in the movieverse.

“Sisqo live is the best performer” – Bumper.  This entire sequence at the gas station and on both buses is probably my favorite.  Mainly because Fat Amy is gonna finish Bumper like a cheesecake.  Also because no matter what anyone says, I love Miley.  I will say, Fat Amy and I are a lot alike.  She and I both sing to avoid answering uncomfortable questions.

Fat Amy

The depressing spring break scene always makes me want to watch The Breakfast Club.  A true classic.  I love Chloe’s outfit when the Barden Bellas swing back into action.  Jesse has every right to shut the door in Beca’s face.  Aaaand then Aubrey and Chloe snap.  It is so disgusting.  But the confession circle is gold and the “Just the Way You Are/Just a Dream” mash-up is what dreams are made of.

Fat Amy - Enough

Confession time:  I wish I could win trophies by making music with my mouth.  On that note (A-CAPELLA PUN), it’s the “Final Countdown“.  Once again, Benji is breaking hearts, but this time also taking names.  And then… words can’t describe the emotions that the Bella’s final number inspire.

Jesse and Benji

Aca-mazing.

~Tales

 

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Teen Witch

An eighties cult-classic (just barely, coming in in 1989), Teen Witch touches on many subjects that teenagers will always face: trying to “fit in” and, more importantly, having the courage to be yourself.

The movie has one of the best opening scenes that I’ve ever seen.  Surprise, surprise, though, IT WAS ALL A DREAM.  That’s okay, I’m pretty sure most humans have had dreams along the same lines before.  Also, I’m in love with her red dress and the entire movie soundtrack.  So eighties, and so perfect.  Teen Witch stars Robin Lively as Louise Miller (yes, related to Gossip Girl’s Blake Lively), a nerdy girl in high school who is unsatisfied with her life and current social standing.  Sound familiar?  Secretly in love with the football quarterback and part of a clueless family.  Besides the dream sequence, her wardrobe in the beginning of the movie is atrocious.  Even for eighties standards.  The most “blah” colors all the time.

Teen Witch 1.6

My favorite characters really have no added benefit to the plot of the movie, but they are immensely entertaining – the three “bros” that are musically inclined.  My least favorite character is the life-ruining teacher.  He is very annoying and cruel, calling Louise out in class.  THEN HE GOES AND READS A PAGE OF HER DIARY OUT LOUD IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE CLASS.  Are you kidding me???  Worst teacher ever.  I feel ya, Louise.  I would’ve hidden in the bathroom too.  Then we realize this movie is actually better off as a musical, because they all “Like Boys”.  It may be cheesy, but I do enjoy the scene and the song.  So many different ways to wear that purple leotard.  Although, I’m glad my high school didn’t have a required gym uniform.  And then, because it is an eighties movie, it is basically a requirement to have a scene where Louise hides, watching Brad staying late at football practice by himself because he is just *so* dedicated (*I said that in a fake, dreamy voice*).

Teen Witch 1.3

Then the REAL story begins.  She is stranded at night and takes refuge at a psychic’s house who tells her strange things will happen.  A few days later, Louise’s drama teacher just *happens* upon an antique amulet and strange things ACTUALLY start to happen.  [SIDENOTE: the sex education scene is also pointless, but too good to not include in the movie.]  After that, I’m sure much of the audience is jealous when she turns her annoying sibling into a dog.  You’ll notice I’m not saying much about the school dance sequence because it is so lame.  Literally the only thing I will say is that her pervvy date helps the plot along by scaring her into going back to Madame Serena’s.  Time to get the party started.

[SIDENOTE: Proud to say I have glasses very similar to Madame Serena’s.  No shame.]

Two words: truth spell.  It spells trouble.  And humor.  Calling the rain and then dancing around?  Totally something I would do.  Love spell?  No.  Absolutely not.  Voodoo doll on the evil teacher?  Utter perfection – one of the best scenes in the entire movie.  Completely necessary to the plot and my life.  Strip tease in front of students, walk through the car wash for a shower – sounds like a good punishment to me.  Then.  It’s time.   THE ALL TIME BEST SCENE – TOP THAT.  Again, we see my favorite characters just gettin’ down.  Then they are joined by Polly being a badass woman for one moment in her life.  One of the few scenes that Louise is a completely good friend.  “Look at how funky he is.” Too much.

Teen Witch 1.1

And finally, the popularity spell.  First of all, the concert scene is adorable and I love the jean jacket.  Second, WHY DOES HER HAIR MAGICALLY CHANGE BECAUSE OF THIS SPELL?  Nothing in the words say “make my hair beautiful”.  SHE COULD HAVE DONE THAT TO HER HAIR AT ANY TIME.  Not trying to be superficial here, like she was, but…  (That elipsis is because I paused to get tea.) … you can have good hair and take care of yourself without being popular.  This part also shows how Polly is probably the only character in the movie with her head of straight, BECAUSE SHE WAS FRIENDS WITH LOUISE BEFORE LOUISE BECAME POPULAR.  Also, I think Louise went a little overboard with the spell.  I mean, having banners hanging in the school with your name on them?  A little pathetic.

 

Teen Witch 1.4

And then the slutty music begins to play.  And clothes begin to come off.  And the movie does not hold back on the tongues.  From this point on, the movie seems a tad rushed.  Louise begins to see the cracks in her spell and the rest of her powers.  But then her clueless dad comes in to have a cheesy conversation about self-confidence.  I mean, the people camped out on her lawn are a bit much.  Her conscience really shows when she rejects Brad’s dance invitation,  Then Louise takes the advice I screamed loudly at the television and goes back to see Serena about fixing everything.  Although, it might’ve been easier to just start wearing her dorky clothes again to make everyone ignore her.  Unfortunately, Serena is a cynic and not a lot of help, until her conscience bubbles to the surface too.  “The real magic is believing in yourself.  If you can do that, you can make anything happen.”  Cheesy-to-the-max, but still rings true.

Teen Witch 1.2

Finally, another dance scene.  Of course an eighties movie culminates to this fateful point.  Almost like a lead-in to the nineties classic, Can’t Hardly Wait…. (LIGHTBULB.  That is another possible review… Stay tuned.)  I must say, thank goodness they turned this movie into a Broadway musical, because it was simply meant to be.  POLLY FINALLY GETS HER RHET.  That’s the true magic of this movie, because I relate most to Polly.  IT’S GONNA BE MY FINEST HOUR.  Perfect finale song.  But the way she ends the popularity spell is so obvious and kind of cliche, but still touches the heart.  What can I say, I’m a sucker for the happy endings.

Teen Witch 1.5

 

 

~Tales

 

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The Fast and the Furious 3: Tokyo Drift

Let me preface this by saying there is an 83% chance that this review transforms into a rant.  Does anyone actually like The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift?  No?  So we’re on the same page, then.  I must say, it is extremely different rewatching this installment of the franchise when you are completely up-to-date.

F&F 3.1

FIRST OF ALL, the most boring opening sequence to a movie.  HOW ON EARTH IS THIS SUPPOSED TO INTRIGUE US FOR THE REST OF THE FILM?  I do appreciate the song choice, though (Six Days by DJ Shadow).  I do understand the point of the opening sequence, it’s supposed to show a cliche and monotonous high school existence.  All the better to show the drastic differences in Tokyo later.  Literally the worst part of this movie happens in the first two minutes: A KID IS GETTING BULLIED BY OTHER STUDENTS AND SEAN DOES NOTHING TO HELP HIM.  WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, SEAN?  Then the first race is in the “Shangri-La Estates”.  Who do they think they’re fooling?  Is that supposed to be some form of foreshadowing?  There was no punch to that first race.  It didn’t have even 1/5 of the intensity that the first two Fast and Furious movies had.  Maybe because we go into it knowing that they are stupid teenagers, but I digress.

His relationship with his father is EXTREMELY uncomfortable to watch.  There is no connection/bond there.  Also, what a horrible thing for his father to just let him sink or swim in getting to his high school on his first day by himself.  Rude.  And the shoe thing is definitely something that would’ve happened to me too, but I would’ve turned beet red and possibly cried.  I AM AN EMOTIONAL PERSON, OKAY?

And now, for one of the two bright spots in this entire film: TWINKIE AKA BOW WOW.  That car, though.  I’m never fully sure how to process the sight of it.  I do love my Marvel characters, but that is a bit much.  Again though, I appreciate this music choice (My Life Be Like by Grits).  My real question is, how did Twinkie get introduced to the race scene in Tokyo?  What was his connection?  And how does he get his hands on all of that merchandise he’s pushing?

F&F 3.5

Hello to the other semi-important characters, including “the Justin Timberlake of Japan”.  BUT PRAISE THE LORD FOR HAN, THOUGH.  LITERALLY THE BEST CHARACTER IN THIS MOVIE AND THE ONLY THING THAT SAVES IT.  Even the drifting isn’t impressive enough to redeem this story.  It’s literally Han.  His chill personality and blase`attitude are the best.  The only one with enough patience to try and make Sean a real driver.  I am genuinely embarrassed for Sean in his first Tokyo race.  Did he really have to let his pride and hot-head get him into trouble on his FIRST DAY in a new country?  Like, you have NO clue about the lifestyle and culture of this country, so lay low for a bit.  It’s really common sense.  But I love how Han gives Sean no choice but to follow his command and learn from him.  What does he see in Sean?  For those of you who have seen the entire franchise already, then you know the answer to this question.  As do I.  I also know the answer to how Han can afford all of his toys.  THE REST OF YOU NEED TO GET ON MY LEVEL.

F&F 3.2

Twinkie’s breakdown of the social/model scene in Tokyo is hilarious.  And honestly, probably true.  If I were a gorgeous model with guys either always trying to impress me or too scared to talk to me, I would totally go for the funny guy.

“Who you choose to be around you let’s you know who you are.” – THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT QUOTE OF THE ENTIRE MOVIE AND OF COURSE IT IS SAID BY HAN.  “Life is simple: you make choices and you don’t look back.”  Part of me wishes that we got to see Sean’s drift training in real time because I am very curious just how long it takes someone to learn it.

F&F 3.4

The rest of this movie though, at least until the VERY end, I cannot really handle.  HOW DARE THEY? HOW. DARE. THEY.  You know what I’m talking about.  But the ending is perfect.

F&F 3.3

~Tales

 

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